It is rapidly approaching that special time of year: college graduation. By now you’ve no doubt been sending out cover letters and resumes at the same rate air traffic controllers are falling asleep on the job. You’ve even upgraded your phone so that you’ll be ready when that special call comes in offering you a position at your dream job. You’ll be set for life if only you get this job. Finally, you can toss your Best Buy polo shirt into the trash as you "accidentally" smash one last HDTV.

Then, something unexpected happens: you get an email rejection for a position you applied for back in February. You don’t give it much thought because you’ve convinced yourself that wasn’t really the job you wanted anyway. Oh, what’s this? Another email from another company, rejecting you. Suddenly, the rejections are coming in faster than Dikembe Mutumbo at a WNBA game. How could these people be rejecting YOU? After all, you go to one of the top universities in the country and have more experience than anyone. Why this is happening to you and what the hell does it all mean?

The fucking governor cut our funding and in order for us to get raises we can’t waste money hiring your ass.Never fear, there’s a method to reading and understanding all those rejection letters, and I’m here to break it down for you. Here are some of the most well-known rejection lines deciphered.

What they say: "We’ll keep your information on file."
What they mean: "The assholes over at human resources lost everything but your cover letter so when they find your shit we might take a look at it."

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What they say: "We are not pursuing your candidacy at this time."
What they mean: "We have to hire the Dean of Student’s daughter now that she’s out of rehab."

What they say: "At this time we are not reviewing new applications for the position."
What they mean: "Your resume is shit—go back to the drawing board and try again." OR…

"Who do you think you are applying for a position like this? You have years to go before you’ll be ready for this position." OR…

"I don’t like the font you used on your resume, but for legal reasons I’m not allowed to tell you that so I came up with this fun little phrase."

What they say: "A decision has been made not to fill the position."
What they mean: "The fucking governor cut our funding and in order for us to get raises we can’t waste money hiring your ass."

What they say: "We find you to be overqualified for this position."
What they mean: "I’m scared you’ll take over and fire my ass if I hire you so forget it!"

Shit on Brian's Desk - Like a Boss memeWhat they say: "Your resume is currently under consideration."
What they mean: "If you kiss our ass enough we might grant you another interview, but it’s going to require some major sucking up. We’re open to any suggestions or sexual favors you’d like to trade."

What they say: "After careful review of all resumes submitted, the search committee has selected a list of finalists whose experience more closely meets the needs of the company."
What they mean: "The pricks at human resources told us to tell you this. The ‘Search Committee’ doesn’t really do the hiring. The final candidates are chosen by a game of rock, paper, scissors (not even 2 out of 3) among the human resource people. It’s what they call ‘following best practices.’"

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What they say: "Thank you for your interest with our company. Best wishes to you as you continue your search.
What they mean: "It’s Friday and we’re sick of reading this shit so we’re putting every resume printed on white paper into the shredder in order to entertain ourselves until 5pm. Ivory resumes, consider this your lucky day."

Let this be a basic guide as you venture through the world of job rejections. Remember all that advice your "career counselor" gave you? It wasn’t really advice at all. (How much experience does one need to be a career counselor anyway??)

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