Dear Call of Duty: Black Ops, Thank You

Call of Duty: Black Ops video game box cover

Dear Call of Duty: Black Ops,

I would just like to preface this letter by saying thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for re-awakening a part of my soul that I thought was long dead.

I'll explain.

I am an avid video gamer (a.k.a. virgin) and I have enjoyed many games over the years, some more than others, and all with varying degrees of obsessive, time-consuming commitment. But it has been years since I have felt what I feel right now.

I have taken this precious time away from PwNz0R1ng N3Wb5 to write these words in the hopes of conveying my enormous appreciation. As a child I would look forward to Friday, because on Friday after school I would get to go to the video store and rent a video game for the weekend. The excitement of looking at the wall of titles and making the difficult selection, the anticipation driving home reading the game manual, and the climax of playing for hours uninterrupted by the obligations of an education. After finally being forced to go to bed, the fun would stop and the pain would begin.

The game turned into an addiction, a chore, an itch I couldn't scratch. I couldn't sleep because all I could think about was the game. Was 5 a.m. too early to sneak downstairs and start playing with the volume at its lowest? Playing constantly took a toll on my mind and body. It was not even enjoyable but I loved it; I just HAD to keep playing, simply because it was the best. Saturday would come and go in what seemed like moments. Forced to bed again, my brain welcomed the comforting embrace of sleep.

Then I would wake up before the sun, and play while the mind stinging chirping of birds greeted the day. Sunday was different; there was urgency. I had to beat the game before it was due back to the store. Otherwise I'd have to rent it again, and remember kids, this was back in the days when games were saved on the cartridge, so you had to get the exact same copy if you were going to continue where you left off.

Call of Duty shooter with a rifle
You can't take this away from me anymore, Dad. It's MY time to shine.
Remember before you could save games? You would have to leave the console running overnight, during meals, or during your grandmother's funeral. Sometimes it would overheat, sometimes it would just freeze, and sometimes (this was the worst) your asshole father would shut it off because of electricity or "it was setting the carpet on fire," or because he wanted to watch television (even though you showed him how you just unplug it from the TV/switch the channel). I think he was just a vindictive bastard still holding a grudge because I could beat him at Super Mario Bros. for the Nintendo Entertainment System when I was four years old.

Anyway, years passed and I was able to own games and have my own time to allocate to tasks and activities. Video games could fit in wherever I wanted. I didn't need huge chunks of time to play before they were taken away by the pointlessness of communistic rental systems. I will still play games for hours a day for weeks on end, but everything is healthy and under control.

At least, that was true up until Tuesday, November 9 at 12:00 a.m. when Call of Duty: Black Ops was released. It has been over 72 hours since then and I still have not slept.

Yet I still feel the need to thank you for giving me a feeling that I feared lost in the abyss of youth. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I have taken this precious time away from PwNz0R1ng N3Wb5 to write these words in the hopes of conveying my enormous appreciation for everything you represent.

Thank you.


Call of Duty Black Ops screenshot in the open field

P.S. Below I have included some helpful tips and etiquette for online play that should be included in the manual of the "Game of the Year" edition. Enjoy!

  • Primary weapons are only used by homosexuals. Why bother trying to master a rifle when secondary weapons offer rocket launchers that eliminate the need for accuracy and skill.

  • Secondary weapons are clearly best. As the old adage goes: First the worst, second the best, third the nerd with the 62% accuracy and 17.89 kill/death ratio.

  • Akimbo is a German word that means "win." Always shoot from the hip, it was good enough for Rambo.

  • Even though the action is fast-paced and exhilarating, take the time to remind everyone how "close" you were to getting the "Attack Dog" killstreak reward. Explain that you just needed 2 more kills (and 38 less deaths, but that's not relevant information).

  • Diving into prone (sometimes confused with skill) is a bug that will be fixed in the next patch. Anyone who uses the ability is a hacker; stop exploiting the game mechanics.

  • Keep in mind that anyone who isn't constantly running, jumping, and spinning is a camper.

  • Yell at anyone using a sniper rifle. If you are in the prone position you are cheating.

  • If you are unfortunate enough to have a sniper on your team, try stabbing him to show your resentment for his being alive. (I use the male gender-specific pronoun because girls don't play COD. Screaming 8-year-old boys [a.k.a. N00Bs] can sometimes be confused for females talking because the longitudinal sound waves produced by air passing through their vocal chords are identical.)

  • There are literally hundreds of perk combinations to choose from. Save time experimenting by picking the best ones: Lightweight Pro, Steady Aim Pro, and Marathon Pro.

  • Kill cams are for losers. Skip them to get back in the action faster. Voice complaints about the same guy killing you the entire game.

  • Remember, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in "all your base are belong to us."

  • If you are what the law would consider an adult, be sure to yell at prepubescent children. Name calling is the best medium to display your intellectual superiority and to teach them respect and maturity. May I suggest using the words bitch, fag, homo, gay, smelly stupid face, and Bolshevik to add some much needed color to otherwise dull internet harassment.

  • If someone is better than you at the game, you should threaten to "kick their fucking ass" in real life. Nothing says tough bad ass like internet anonymity.

  • Last and least, if you are the subject (victim) of a game-winning kill cam, call the kill "cheap, lame, lucky, bullshit, retarded." Verbal abuses will keep you warm during those times you are lost in a blizzard of embarrassment.
C'mon, one more:

Brian Jones's picture

That was an awesome read.

anothern poin:

if u r on american team, call enemys "communism' and tell them america am the best

this 1ne time somebone told me that russsia am not commie, but i said "STFU COMMIE"

Evelyn Liu's picture

This article was great and all but I thought this comment completed it. :)

Robert King's picture

Wow. Your article is basically the same as my column for next week, the only difference being I covered a different game and yours is funnier. I'm torn between banging out a new one before tomorrow, or just having PIC's first ever "Video Game Addiction Awarness" week.

You did a great job of describing the addiction to gaming. I should have made you the protagonist of next week's column instead.

Keke DeVille's picture

Hey Robert. I'm all for the VGAA Week. Grades 8-11 aka the "awkward years" created my addiction. I'm in recovery, but I'm just one cracked out Japanese port from a relapse........ No Nerd. (I guess that works just as much as saying "No Homo" and people not thinking you like dick)

Robert King's picture

Per your request, the VGAA will continue sometime next week. I mention this article in the first line of my column out of respect and admiration of Michael's fine work. Until the release of my next column, stay here and keep telling him how big of a sex muffin he is.

i'm straight

Black Ops is a cock-block.

Maybe if you're interested in a silly, stupid cunt, who wants to shop all day and watch fucking Jersey Shore. Blah, I think I just gagged a little.

Girls do play. Gamertag = BriannaRose316 Im a 3rd prestige, highest score game = 30 kills, 11 deaths. Girls can play COD BO and kick ass at it too.

Michael Winston's picture

My highest score game was 47 and 2. Plus I was drunk. Girls suck at video games.

I resent this comment. "(I use the male gender-specific pronoun because girls don't play COD. Screaming 8-year-old boys [a.k.a. N00Bs] can sometimes be confused for females talking because the longitudinal sound waves produced by air passing through their vocal chords are identical.)" I am a 21 year old female and I do play COD, and I'm not just one of those girls who plays because her boyfriend does, I play because I enjoy it, and I'm better at it then my boyfriend. And my favorite class would be my MPL with Semtex and Cross bow, Marathon Pro, Lightweight Pro and Steady Aim Pro (I do agree with shooting from the hip, do not usually have time to stop and point when you are constantly running around). And my favorite rounds are: (Regular multiplayer) Ground War and Demolition. Plus, Gun game is fucking sweet. And I love customizing my playercard, and all the knew options to view your stats are pretty interesting too. And my other favorite games are: Gears, (Already pre-ordered GOW3), Battlefield (Because it takes more skill in my opinion then COD since there are larger maps and the use of tanks, choppers, mortar strikes, etc). And I'm pretty sure most people do realize I am a chick since my username on the PS3 is one of the most girliest things I could think of, plus my pink controller is sexy.

And by the way, rocket launchers and grenade launchers are for N00BS.

Michael Winston's picture

Ughh I said "girls don't play," I didn't say "women don't play." Fuckin' misogynist. A/S/L + pics?

i have been playing COD since it 1st come out up to BOPS and i have been in a couple of clans over the years and in both clans they have had girls in the clan or play on the server and they can kick ass and that goes with the 8 year olds they can kick ass too...;
and the way you go on about 1st weapon 2nd weapon laying down with a sniper rifle and is prone they are cheating LMFAO sounds like you have been killed way too many times by this so you call it cheating it just sounds like you dont know how to play ..
1st thing is 1st learn how to play
2nd go back and learn again cause your still a noob if you use just one weapon
3rd calling me names cause you still dont know how to play
4th get an idea battle plan know thy map know thy enemy
5th lead your enemy dont let them lead you
6th dont go there take the long way and always LOOK behind you
7th if your going to talk about something get a CLUE 1st

Michael Winston's picture

k allrite i get it you played COD forever but how good can you be if girls and 8 year olds kick your ass...............;
i have never been killed playing cod i am extremely subtle even to the point of formlessness extremely mysterious even to the point of soundlessness i am the director of the opponents fate which is death .. . . .... . ....
1nd i try to learned how to play but cant find easy setting for multiplayer so its hard when n00bs headshot me cause i cant find the crouch button
2rd this is why i love the interwebz @
3th remember when you were born? your genitalia came in contact with your mothers genitalia so technically you fucked your own mother, and i fucked her too
4st thanks for paraphrasing 'the art of [modern] war[fare]' i can fondly recall the opening paragraph where sun tzu poignantly says "L2Play N00Bz!!!"

you make me lol so if a girl or an 8yr can kick your ass you not much of a player ? is that what you are saying ? so your still saying that they cant play or be any good .. when you get shot in the head there the noobz ? lmao sounds like your the nub but ... and what did i say that you would call me names etc you need to read what i say and let it sink in if you need to i can draw you pictures ...

What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?

Comment above in response to "Vet"'s comment.

so you must be a boy then posing as a girl no more need to be said

And how pray tell did you come to that conclusion? Because you're a sexist prick, or because you're just stupid.

Sorry to burst your bubble but I'm 100% sure that I am a woman.

And just because your balls haven't dropped yet, doesn't mean you have to lash out at other people.

OMG Christina you need to stop playing games go back to school and learn to bloody read read my 1st post i am sticking up for the girls and 8 year olds as i know a few who play... its the wanker who wrote this Michael Winston you should be attacking that is why i said you must be a bloke or really really dumb or both and your sucking him off has he is the one that is saying that girls etc cant play as i said i know a few that can play and kick ass but dear Michael Winston has no comback as he knows i am right so christina reread what i put in my 1st post and get a clue :D