Best and Worst Case Scenarios for the New Star Wars Films

Will the new Star Wars trilogy recharge the series or blow up in a CGI mess?

Yoda holding light saber

When the news of Disney buying up Star Wars and kick-starting a new trilogy broke, the internet went into a meltdown of rabid nerd opinions. On one hand, there were those who saw the news as offering a brave new hope to their much-maligned franchise, and to help bury some painful memories that Jar Jar Binks and the complete lack of Natalie Portman being nude helped create. On the dark side, though, were the naysayers. Never in short supply within the nerd community, these pessimistic fans howled about the decision like wounded Wookies, letting everyone with access to an internet message board know that the house of mouse was about to sodomize their beloved universe to within a parsec of its life.

So, come 2015 and the release of Episode VII, which group is going to be proven right? Will Star Wars reign triumphant once again, or will the franchise descend further into the swamp of midichlorians, awkward trade politics and ugly, ugly child actors? Here are the best and worst case scenarios.

1. Directors

Best case scenario:

Our new heroes are a 50% whining emo space hipsters and 50% computer-generated aliens with big ears and wacky foreign accents. Also, all the bad guys die meekly. Realizing how important it is for Star Wars movies to have a fun, vibrant, energetic tone, Disney goes looking for directors with a history of making films that meet this criteria. Talents such as Brad Bird (The Incredibles), Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean) and Joss Wheedon (The Avengers) are considered, while famous names like Steven Spielberg are invited to come and assist with the selection process. Someone from Disney also calls Uwe Boll, flushes the toilet, then hangs up while laughing loudly.

Worst case scenario:

Feeling that the series has been severely lacking in the fields of racial stereotypes, cocaine-addled editing, and robots humping the legs of terrible actresses, Disney does the dirty and calls Michael Bay. Ten minutes later a new "script" has been "written," this time with a Victoria's Secret model in the lead role and a five-minute scene dedicated to Han Solo performing a musical farting routine.



2. New Actors

Best case scenario:

Acting in Star Wars films has been about as consistent as Jabba the Hutt's bowel movements. Realizing this, Disney sets out to find a group of talented thespians who can give a real emotional weight to their characters this time around, while simultaneously looking good swinging through a plate-glass window to lightsaber someone in the face.

Worst case scenario:

In a desperate attempt to get popular with the kids, Disney signs up every latest up and coming hot young thing, leaving the Star Wars universe looking like it's populated exclusively by Abercrombie & Fitch models and people with fluoro-orange spray-tans. The lead villain ends up getting portrayed by an effeminate male Canadian pop-singer who looks like he would get his ass handed to him in a fight with C3P0.



3. Familiar Faces

Best case scenario:

For the sake of giving a nod to the original saga, Luke, Han, and Leia all turn up briefly during the new trilogy, acting as mentor figures to the new Jedis on the block. These are tasteful, respectful cameos, aimed at driving the plot rather than merely providing fan service, and fully recognize the age and limitations of the veteran actors.

Fat Star Wars ladyWorst case scenario:

Desperate to outdo every perverted piece of fan-fiction ever written, Disney completely goes to town with characters from the original trilogy, shoe-horning them into the story regardless of how little they fit the story or how much ret-conning needs to be done. Was Chewie really just Vader's adopted Latvian cousin who was secretly spying on Han in the shower the whole time? He was now! The audience is also treated to the delights of Carrie Fisher trying to squeeze into a gold bikini, despite looking a lot less like Luke's twin sister these days and a lot more like Jabba's.



4. Story and Main Characters

Best case scenario:

Star Wars is given a boost of fresh blood via some charismatic new heroes, each of which carve out a distinct place for themselves in Star Wars lore. We fall in love with the story of their wild galactic adventure, watching with bated breath as they risk their lives for the good of all worlds, overcoming the obstacles of a new dark menace to provide order to the cosmos once more.

Worst case scenario:

Stretched for fresh ideas, the new trilogy tries to garner the love of the original by aping all its key plot points. You think the second Death Star was cool? Wait until you see... the Death Star Mark III ! Unfortunately, all this does is undo the goodwill of the original, especially since our new heroes are a 50% whining emo space hipsters and 50% computer-generated aliens with big ears and wacky foreign accents. Also, all the bad guys die meekly at the end and a stupid bunch of teddy bears dance around. Again.



5. Villains

Best case scenario:

The original trilogy is just as beloved for its villains as it was for its heroes. Star Wars botched this in its prequels, throwing out a cool-looking Sith who went out like a bitch, Christopher Lee's 400-year-old head super-glued to another actor's body, and finally an ugly robot who just really needed some cough syrup. Realizing these mistakes, Disney provides us with an iconic villain who is a genuine threat to our heroes. They are mature, morally complex, and best of all, manage to get to the end of the trilogy without going the way of Alderaan.

Worst case scenario:

Hollywood has a very clear idea of the things it considers evil, namely, mustaches and European accents. Throw in a doomsday weapon and maybe a pet cat and you've got yourself a genuine super-villain. Not wanting to break free of these stereotypes, Disney talent scouts start contacting every male actor born outside of the U.S., promising them fame and riches in return throwing their dignity and their Gillette Mach 3 in the trash. Tack on a stupendously evil name (Darth Hitlerface? Baron Von Frankendeath?), dress him in an over-designed black outfit, think of an ass-puckeringly bad catch-phrase and voila: our dark star is born! And, naturally, once again they go out like a bitch.



6. Aliens

Best case scenario:

Star Wars just wouldn't be the same without its great non-human life-forms. Creations such as Chewy and Yoda help the viewer to understand that this conflict is about a lot more than just mankind and their sister-fetish issues, and recognizing this, Disney sets out to create some great aliens for the new trilogy. We are given clever and inspired characters--not special effects, characters--who are completely realistic within their world and help to enrich the story rather than just act as window-dressing. These characters will be a mixture of good prosthetic work and a little CGI, and will also benefit from top-level voice acting by the likes of Billy West and Frank Welker.

Star Wars dinner impaled on stickWorst case scenario:

Disney spent 4 billion big ones on Star Wars. How do you get that money back? By making quality films? Wrong--you make action figures! And what better way to sell action figures than to pointlessly cram several hundred species of CGI aliens into every scene of your film, whether they're actually necessary to the plot or not? In addition to this, Disney will also ensure that any creature on screen long enough to actually utter a line of dialogue will be a racist caricature with a face like a member of the male anatomy, saddled with a name that sounds like something you'd find on an Uzbekistani dinner menu.



7. CGI

Best case scenario:

The original Star Wars trilogy helped pioneer special effects in film. At the same time, though, it also benefitted from a lot of great prop and model work, which helped give the films a realistic, lived-in feel. In an effort to replicate this, Disney takes a less-is-more approach to CGI, using real materials and locations where possible, saving the special effects for the larger, more elaborate action sequences. Finding a really really big fat guy to play Jabba is probably going a bit too far, but you get the drift.

Worst case scenario:

The new saga blows its wad on confusing CGI set-pieces, with nine out of ten characters being computer-generated and real locations scrapped in favor of soulless green screen. The action scenes look like video games cut-scenes farted out of the N64 bargain bin, and even the smallest, most human-focused scenes aren't allowed to go ahead without uncles George and Walt showing another example of what an ugly guy sitting behind a keyboard can create. Finally, every female member of the cast is given a virtual makeover and boob enhancement, which leaves you in a confused place somewhere between arousal and feeling like you should go and personally register yourself on the state's sex offender list.



8. The Verdict

Best case scenario:

After many sleepless nights the film premieres... and the news is good! The new Star Wars wins praise from fans and critics alike and is seen as a stunning return to form for the much-maligned franchise. Sequels are green-lit, awards are handed out, and you can't walk down the street without hearing a Star Wars quote or running into a college girl with her hair styled like Leia. In short, life is good.

Worst case scenario:

After many sleepless nights the film premieres... and the news isn't good. Reviews range from a, "Meh, could have been better" to a soul-crushing "Noooooooooooo!" Effigies of George Lucas and Mickey Mouse are burnt in the street, teary-eyed men are seen throwing out boxes of action figures, and Harry Knowles spontaneously combusts while consoling himself with his 38th chilli dog of the day. In short, the new Star Wars stinks worse than a chain-smoking Wookie. May the DVDs of the original saga be with you.

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