The ABC's of Male Feelings

Man and four women silhouette

Often times when Desperate House Wives or Bravo is off the air, or some other shitty chick show isn't on TV and my girlfriend is bored, she decides that she "wants to talk about feelings." This is a problem. As a man I have very few feelings to talk about so these conversations are very limited. As a preemptive tactic to these feeling talks, I have listed the actual feelings men have below.

Men, feel free to print these off and hand them to your significant other next time they want to talk about feelings. I know I will. Women, the next time you want to talk about feelings with your man, please just shutup or refer to this instead.

A. Pissed Off

This is the default man feeling. Pretty much everything and everyone pisses men off. If you know a guy who doesn't get angry, he's probably gay and has gay AIDS (that's the kind where it's in your butt). Some people think that if a man is overly pissed off he needs to go to anger management. The only acceptable forms of anger management for pissed off men are breaking things and stabbing random homeless people.

B. Hungry

Hungry-Man TV dinner
So easy a cave man could eat it.
When a man is hungry there is very little else he can think about. It is best if food is always kept around all men if they are expected to focus on the trivial things in life such as work and their family. If you ever want to see how close men truly are to being part of a hunter and gatherer society, take one steak and put it in the middle of a room of hungry men. I assure you someone will die.

C. Horny

Fact: Men like to fuck... a lot. Men will fuck until they hurt themselves. This is why God made men incapable of physically having sex as much as they mentally and hormonally want to have sex. If God did not put this little safety valve into play, men would fuck until their dicks fell off.

All other man feelings are subsets of the above man feelings.

AB. Pissed Off-Hungry

There are several situations when a man could become Pissed Off-Hungry. One example is when receiving shitty service at a restaurant. If a waiter can't get a man's order right or takes forever to get a man his food, a man will undoubtedly become Pissed Off-Hungry. In these situations it is perfectly acceptable for a man to either not tip or choke his waiter. It is also acceptable for a man to steal someone else's food from a nearby table, eat scraps off someone's plate, or attack a waiter coming by with someone else's tray of food.

Another situation where a man could become Pissed Off-Hungry is when his girlfriend, wife, or other form of vagina is making something edible that he is not allowed to eat. Here is how this situation might go down.

(Joe comes home from a hard day's work of being a lumberjack, the manliest job in the world. Jill has just pulled a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven and is using a spatula to put them into some sort of container.)

Joe: Damn, I chopped the fuck out of some wood today. Holy dick! Fresh cookies!

Joe begins slamming cookies into his mouth when Jill slaps him on the hand with the spatula.)

Jill: Those cookies are for Timmy to take to school. Tomorrow is his birthday.

(Joe goes into the living room where Timmy is watching TV. Joe opens the living room window. Joe picks up Timmy and throws him out the window of their 10th floor apartment.)

Joe: There. Now Timmy doesn't have a birthday. Give me them cookies.

As you can see, Pissed Off-Hungry can be a dangerous feeling for a man to experience. Bottom line: don't piss a guy off if he is hungry.

AC. Pissed Off-Horny

Two gay men hugging on a couch
If your man has feelings besides A, B, or C, it's probably for the D.
Just because a man is pissed off doesn't mean he can't be horny. When a man is Pissed Off-Horny there's gonna be some hate fuckin'. This is the type of sex where a man's balls hurt from slapping up against lady area too hard. The type of sex where he's not only trying to get off, but also attempting to kill the lady with his dick.

BC. Hungry-Horny

This is when men have sex involving food. This may involve using whipped cream or chocolate syrup in the bedroom. Women seem to think men are doing this to be sexy. The truth is we just do this to be more efficient. This way we can eat and have sex at the same time.

ABC. Pissed Off-Hungry-Horny

This basically results in hate sex involving food—although the lady could end up with a piece of fruit painfully jammed somewhere inappropriate if the man is extra pissed off. Also, more painful foods are used. For example, chocolate sauce would be replaced by hot sauce and rather than feeding his mate a strawberry while she's blindfolded, the man would feed her a rock.

No other emotions exist for men. If a supposed man says he has a feeling other than one of those listed above, check him for a vagina.



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You suck.
You are not funny.
You FAIL.

And this is from a man. You really think you can tell me how I already feel? Some "true" articles and writings are funny because they are true. Your's was pathetic. Please kill yourself/cut off your hands and disable any voice software to spare us further writings.
Bitch.

Eric Cheesic's picture

Looks like we found the pissed off feeling.

Now are you pissed off because you're hungry or not getting any?

Ah, see, there you go. This guy's definitely in the A mood right there.

Azalenko Cain's picture

*packs bags

*catches plane to the states

*calls Bill Gates

*Gater and Aza become best friends, Bill helps Aza locate Mr Unverified Anonymous

*Azalenko goes fishing and catches an 'angry trout'

*Aaron flogs the fuck out of Mr Anony with the angry trout for being an up tight prissy cunt...

I found it hilarious, was even considering changing my moral set so that I acted in such a manner, I lose at soccer and my lass is getting some hard core pineapple sex

Wow... I think someone needs to wash the sand out of their vagina. Had one of those bad days were your tampon's behind your ear and you can't find your pencil? I feel for ya...

While I will admit I didn't laugh outright, it was a nearly factual piece that describes men fairly well. I, in fact, enjoyed it thouroughly. Maybe follow up with the ABC's of what make women turn psyco (see comment above).

Serengueiro's picture

true

Casey Freeman's picture

Nicely done good sir. Anonymous, make a name for yourself first, then start insulting people via comments. Or quit stealing from other people's anonymous comments. At least be original. You piece of shit.

Lauren's picture

I didn't find it ridiculously hilarious. My only real problem was your girlfriend wanting to discuss feelings. I'm a girl and never once in any of my relationships have I ever started a conversation with, "I want to talk about feelings." Do girls really do that? Do boys really date girls that do that? That sounds awful. You should probably get a new girlfriend. There are girls who don't watch Desperate Housewives and Lifetime. Chick tv sucks.

Lucky's picture

LCD- Wanna date?

Anonymous- Let's get you verified and then you can talk all the shit you want. I really don't care... everyone is entitiled to their opinion but at least have the balls to put a name behind your comment.

Everyone else- thanks for calling out the douche licker

The Man's picture

Women don't want to talk about your feelings, little girls do. Stay out of the playground my brother and find a lady.

Lucky's picture

The playground is where all the hot girls are at. Alot of hot ones hang out around the slide and the swing set.

Lauren's picture

Sadly, Aaron, I'm taken. But because of that sweet ass mullet in your profile picture, I just might do something about my relationship status...

very true..pissedoffhornyhungry is very complex emotion

Eric Cheesic's picture

Great article, and I am totally blindfolding my girl and feeding her a rock!

Holy Dick!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Lucky's picture

LCD- Well I'm taken as well so I think that makes it legit... It wouldn't be the first time the mullet has got me some action

I'm gonna have to agree with LCD.
Chicks shouldn't talk about feelings.
And tv for women really does suck ass.

Much love.

Eric Woodward's picture

These seem spot on factual, but until seeing it in print, I never realized that the combinations of man-emotion could potentially lead to some guy fucking a steak. BEWARE.

It wasn't funny
It wasn't informational
I feel like I wasted my life by reading it

Why don't you make yourself a sandwich instead of writing useless and stupid shit about yourself and claiming it's "all men"

this sucks entirely. the only redeeming joke was about eating a rock. the article is basically a giant stupid chuck norris joke that doesn't say his name, and those jokes are at least 100 internet years old. same with mullets. yes, i'm aware that some of you out there will now take great pains to discuss the array of objects possibly lodged in my orifices, but at least i can tell garbage rehashed manly jokes apart from, you know, good stuff.

thejackyl's picture

I laughed until it hurt.

Kristiina Ellam's picture

half funny-half true...X)

Agreed, though default is horny, not pissed off.

It is a close call I'll admit.

LAME
NOT FUNNY
Go back to 2nd grade and keep trying to be funny and/or trying to ever see a vagina

Genuine Mach's picture

lol... AC is the worst. Like usually I'll be pissed off about something (or someone), and some random woman passes by or I pass some random woman by, who is exceptionally hot, so you just start hatefucking her with your eyes...then she decides to walk up to you all friendly and be like "HI!! :)" or something presumably at a crucial point in your eyehatefucking session, and you just feel like a horrible excuse for a human being because she just made the porno in your mind 10 times dirtier...

hungry/horny though seem to counterbalance each other though instead of multiplying each other so the hunger permutations don't annoy me and impact my life as much. However eating cupcakes off women is still kind of sexy. why do you think they started making all those boobalicious/curvalicious visually-enhanced bakery confectioneries?