Often times when Desperate House Wives or Bravo is off the air, or some other shitty chick show isn’t on TV and my girlfriend is bored, she decides that she "wants to talk about feelings." This is a problem. As a man I have very few feelings to talk about so these conversations are very limited. As a preemptive tactic to these feeling talks, I have listed the actual feelings men have below.

Men, feel free to print these off and hand them to your significant other next time they want to talk about feelings. I know I will. Women, the next time you want to talk about feelings with your man, please just shutup or refer to this instead.

A. Pissed Off

This is the default man feeling. Pretty much everything and everyone pisses men off. If you know a guy who doesn’t get angry, he’s probably gay and has gay AIDS (that’s the kind where it’s in your butt). Some people think that if a man is overly pissed off he needs to go to anger management. The only acceptable forms of anger management for pissed off men are breaking things and stabbing random homeless people.

B. Hungry

Hungry-Man TV dinner
So easy a cave man could eat it.
When a man is hungry there is very little else he can think about. It is best if food is always kept around all men if they are expected to focus on the trivial things in life such as work and their family. If you ever want to see how close men truly are to being part of a hunter and gatherer society, take one steak and put it in the middle of a room of hungry men. I assure you someone will die.

C. Horny

Fact: Men like to fuck… a lot. Men will fuck until they hurt themselves. This is why God made men incapable of physically having sex as much as they mentally and hormonally want to have sex. If God did not put this little safety valve into play, men would fuck until their dicks fell off.

All other man feelings are subsets of the above man feelings.

AB. Pissed Off-Hungry

There are several situations when a man could become Pissed Off-Hungry. One example is when receiving shitty service at a restaurant. If a waiter can’t get a man’s order right or takes forever to get a man his food, a man will undoubtedly become Pissed Off-Hungry. In these situations it is perfectly acceptable for a man to either not tip or choke his waiter. It is also acceptable for a man to steal someone else’s food from a nearby table, eat scraps off someone’s plate, or attack a waiter coming by with someone else’s tray of food.

SEE ALSO:  Why God is Pissed

Another situation where a man could become Pissed Off-Hungry is when his girlfriend, wife, or other form of vagina is making something edible that he is not allowed to eat. Here is how this situation might go down.

(Joe comes home from a hard day’s work of being a lumberjack, the manliest job in the world. Jill has just pulled a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven and is using a spatula to put them into some sort of container.)

Joe: Damn, I chopped the fuck out of some wood today. Holy dick! Fresh cookies!

Joe begins slamming cookies into his mouth when Jill slaps him on the hand with the spatula.)

Jill: Those cookies are for Timmy to take to school. Tomorrow is his birthday.

(Joe goes into the living room where Timmy is watching TV. Joe opens the living room window. Joe picks up Timmy and throws him out the window of their 10th floor apartment.)

Joe: There. Now Timmy doesn’t have a birthday. Give me them cookies.

As you can see, Pissed Off-Hungry can be a dangerous feeling for a man to experience. Bottom line: don’t piss a guy off if he is hungry.

AC. Pissed Off-Horny

Two gay men hugging on a couch
If your man has feelings besides A, B, or C, it’s probably for the D.
Just because a man is pissed off doesn’t mean he can’t be horny. When a man is Pissed Off-Horny there’s gonna be some hate fuckin’. This is the type of sex where a man’s balls hurt from slapping up against lady area too hard. The type of sex where he’s not only trying to get off, but also attempting to kill the lady with his dick.

BC. Hungry-Horny

This is when men have sex involving food. This may involve using whipped cream or chocolate syrup in the bedroom. Women seem to think men are doing this to be sexy. The truth is we just do this to be more efficient. This way we can eat and have sex at the same time.

ABC. Pissed Off-Hungry-Horny

This basically results in hate sex involving food—although the lady could end up with a piece of fruit painfully jammed somewhere inappropriate if the man is extra pissed off. Also, more painful foods are used. For example, chocolate sauce would be replaced by hot sauce and rather than feeding his mate a strawberry while she’s blindfolded, the man would feed her a rock.

No other emotions exist for men. If a supposed man says he has a feeling other than one of those listed above, check him for a vagina.