By contributing writer Jonathan Scott

Growing up my mother told me that I might consider anger management. Forget that, I like being angry. I get pissed off, and then I vent. Allow me to vent about what’s been pissing me off lately.

1. Academic Internet Discussion Conferences

These are by far one of the stupidest creations at college. The best part is when I see kids actually getting into arguments on these conferences. Do people actually care about Bush’s use of Alaskan oil? I thought we were all just doing this for class participation points, but some of these tools actually get into serious fights. Grow up! I actually stage arguments with people just so we can have our names pop up enough to rake in the participation points. If you ever find yourself in an ideological, academic squabble with someone, then I have one word for you: Perspective, go get some! (And yes, I know that’s four words, but the emphasis is on perspective. If you’d like to have a serious argument about this, please post your comments on the “4 Words Or Less” folder in my philosophy conference.)

"Crimedog McGruff says, ‘Never get your eyes LaSerDilated and leave the eye doctor without sunglasses!’ Ahem."

2. Crimedog McGruff

How dumb are the police for using this as their ad campaign? Are they trying to promote acid? Here’s a newsflash: talking dogs make people want to eat mushrooms and liquid acid. However, Crimedog did give the best advice during D.A.R.E. “Kids, if someone offers you drugs, say no, offer another activity, walk away, and leave the door open.” This was very helpful to me in my life. I remember that time in the 2nd grade during recess when my friend Marty (who was in the much faster 3rd grade) asked me to shoot heroine with him behind the swing set. I replied, “No thanks Marty. I’m going to play kickball. You’re welcome to join me.” Marty went on to be the kid who discovered Wite Out and those toxic fruit flavored markers (yum), and I went on to Emory University. Thank you Crimedog McGruff!

3. Cats

These are without a doubt the worst animals ever. To think that some people enjoy having these wretched fur balls as pets is such a repulsive thought to me. I mean I can totally see where these people are coming from, though. Who wouldn’t want a pet that just sits around, gets fat, and looks at you like its better than you? Where do I sign up? If you really need companionship that badly, I’m more than willing to come to your house, sit around, not work, get fat, and look at you like I’m better than you. However, if cats seriously are your passionate hobby, then allow me to suggest some other possible hobbies. You might enjoy smashing your head into a brick wall or you could try eating dirt because if cats are your passion, you have a problem. Get help!

4. College Discipline

If you were punished freshman year for drugs or alcohol in the dorm room, then you probably had to help the janitors out by cleaning your dorm with them early in the morning. What type of a message does this send to the janitors? Colleges are basically saying, “We want to show these kids what they’ll be doing if they continue to screw up.” I wonder what colleges make the janitors do when they screw up? Sit out with the trash?

5. Status Symbols

Excuse me but when did it become fashionable as a status symbol for people’s mothers not to cook? I was talking to a spoiled sorority girl recently, and she wanted to show me how well-off her family was. So she said, “Oh my mother doesn’t cook.” What am I supposed to say to that? "Oh cool, you must be really wealthy." No way. I had to show her I was equally wealthy on the same veritable terms. So I said, “Well my mother doesn’t even know where the kitchen is in my house, and she’s so inept that she can’t even order Chinese food. That’s how wealthy I am."

6. Computers

I love how people are afraid to admit that they know how to use computers because it’s “dorky." Do you ever notice that you’ll ask someone if they’re good with computers, and they’ll respond by saying, “Oh no, I don’t know how to work those things.” Then, you go into their room, and they’re hacking into the CIA. If I was good with computers, I would just tell people. (Wow, that last line was cool. Nobody will guess that I’m trying to cover up that I’m good with computers from this segment. Oh no, have I been writing for that long that I’m cracked out and writing all of my inner thoughts? How do I tell them that I have no inner monologue?)

7. Environmentalists

I’m sorry, but these people suck. Every time someone has a great idea like “Let’s kill off all the bees” or “We should destroy spiders," these pests bring up their “precious ecosystem.” “Oh no, you can’t kill off the bees because that’ll upset the ecosystem which will lead to blah blah blah.” I believe I speak for all of us when I say SHUT UP! We’ve listened to this crap for way too long, and I say it’s about time we kill the bees. All they do is ruin picnics and perfectly good trash cans filled with sweets. So, screw the ecosystem, kill the bees.

8. Cigarette Smokers

I don’t smoke cigarettes, but if I did, I’d kill someone. Everyone in society screws with you guys, but the worst is the airplanes. Everyone knows that airplanes are non-smoking areas. But these airlines have the audacity to use one of those light up non-smoking signs to illustrate this. Is this some type of a cruel joke? Why do they need that light, why couldn’t it just be a sticker? I’ll tell you why. They’re screwing with smokers. They want you to think, “Hey, the seat belt light went off, and it’s right next to the non-smoking light so maybe there’s a chance.” There’s no chance. It’s never gonna happen. But if I was a smoker, I’d always carry a pack with me just in case there was ever a malfunction and that light went off. And trust me, if that light went off, I’d go nuts. I’d use every smoking trick I know. I’d have six in my mouth, four in my nose, two in my ears, and any other ridiculous smoking tricks that have been strangely incorporated in my old school Napster pornos.

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