The Undeserved Reputation of the Hostile Philadelphia Eagles Fan
Here I stand, a proud Giants fan in Veterans Stadium prepared to be spit and spilled on at every turn, proclaiming that Eagles fans have gotten a bad rap.
Tag: Stories
A Diplomatic Mission to My Nephew’s Minecraft World
I had long heard rumors of Ben's virtual atrocities, but I needed to see proof of them for myself. After all, he's 10, how bad could it be?
The Embarrassing Origin of the Douchiest Gym Word Ever
The barbwire tattoo around this douchebag's arm essentially screamed, "None of my shirts have sleeves and I punch walls when I get insecure about my small penis!"
Why Successful Immigrants Shouldn’t Become Birds at 40 Years Old
Whoever manages this Human-to-Bird-conversion is clearly a prankster. I've clearly done too much whining, and too little flying practice up to now.
This Old House and Her Old Hedges
I could not bear the thought of the work required to keep my hedges looking as trim and inviting as all of those hedges my husband had bookmarked and shared with me online.
To Be President of Amtrak, I Must Start as the Restroom Cleaner
At corporate events I will talk about my roots: "50 years ago, I was hired by this fine company to clean the restrooms on the Merced to Oakland route..." and so on.
How to Drive Like a Total Badass
When you think of a 1994 Dodge Neon, the first word that comes to mind is probably "raw power," right? Well that's exactly how this guy drove his: raw and powerfully.
I Should Probably Go Ahead and Buy Two Tickets For This Show
And the virtual gates are open! No way I am missing out on these tickets. Even if they sell out in minutes, I think I have my preparation down to a matter of seconds.
“Do You Have Condoms?”
Did I hear her correctly? There's no way she just asked me if I have condoms on a first Tinder date, right? Could it possibly be going this well?
How to Be an Adult in Tight Jeans
My Gap skinny jeans might make me look young, but my rapidly aging prostate constantly reminds me that I’m not.
I Found Love at Darren G.’s Radioactive Wasteland, Southern New Jersey’s #4 Haunted Attraction
For me, a guy with mainstream sexual compulsions, the love of my life showed up where I least expected it: inside a rusty dumpster loaded with 1,000 gallons of syrupy green goo.
This is It, I’m Actually Going into My Crawl Space
My kids look at me and feel empathy for my plight but relief that the task is not theirs. I'm going all the way into the residential abyss.