Parrots are Assholes
When Mom came home from the swap meet with a trio of parrots, I was stoked. But it didn't take long for me to realize one thing: parrots are assholes.
Tag: Stories
I Lost a Silver Bullet in My Butt
Over time, you tend to become more and brave with the vibrating pleasure bullet. Sticking him in places where you feel pretty safe he'll pop right back out.
You’re Never Too Old for Drive-Thru Road Rage
His eyes were wild, and thin wisps of his silver hair shuddered in the wind. “Fuck you!” he shouted while thrusting a Crypt Keeper finger in my face.
Five Places I’ve Had to Call My Mother From on Her Birthday
I've been arrested for protesting clear-cutting and punching a security guard in the dick. When my Mom answers, she asks why the caller ID says "Humboldt County Jail."
Six Stories from Working at a Southern Thrift Shop
I work at a thrift shop. If it isn't clearly stated by word of law that it is illegal to sell something, we will slap a price tag on it and try to convince you that you need it.
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bird
I've come here to talk about a small bird that flew into my car. He seemed nice at first, and I even thought he was kind of handsome, but then all hell broke loose.
I Ran So Fast to My Parking Meter That I Ripped Open a Wormhole in Time
If we don't get enough quarters into the Meter Colossus before sundown, we're all gonna get handed life's final parking ticket: death. Now, do you want to pay the fine?
The Last-Minute Condom Crisis
Should I run down to the corner store, endure the judgmental gaze of Marlene the cock-eyed clerk who works the night shift, to buy a box of condoms? Or just wing it?
Dear Jonathan, I Actually Hate Museums
These last three weeks have been so great and special, but I think it’s going to be too much for me to carry on pretending I like museums.
My Personal Beef with Cole Hamels
After about half an hour on hold, the host of the radio show finally came through and asked me: "What's your beef with Philadelphia sports?" Cole Hamels of course.
My Erect Freshman Year
My erect penis and I walked to my dorm and mounted the steps of some side entrance. A gaped-mouth sophomore's pupils grew wide at the site of my dong. I had arrived.
My First Assholes Anonymous Meeting
Welcome, everyone, to the North Jersey Chapter of Assholes Anonymous. Before we begin, please take this opportunity to make sure your cellphones are ON.