I’m Awesome
I can perform brain surgery in the dark, and I found the Higgs boson particle with an accelerator I constructed in my backyard out of tin foil and duct tape.
Tag: Satire
Emergency Meeting of the Disciples: Jesus is a Lousy Carpenter
I don't know an awl from a chisel and don't want to. But I do know one thing for certain and I'll declare it before the God of our Fathers: JESUS IS NO CARPENTER!
Coffee Addicts Anonymous
For a while, there were no consequences for my coffee addiction. I started doing amazing in school, my parents remained in the dark, and I earned a full scholarship.
Diary of a Sock vs. Its Wearer
Sorted and separated from those of color, I can now see the first washing machine lying in wait. I watch as my non-white comrades are tossed into the behemoth.
Rough Directions to Cloud 9
Friends, no one gets up in the morning on planet Earth searching for Cloud 2. We're all trying to get to Cloud 9. And there's no easy way to get there.
Introducing Fetusbook for Your Unborn Baby
Create a profile for your unborn infant, and get it started networking with other fetuses before it even takes its first breath.
The Greatest Minor League Baseball Scout
If you have a character flaw, Craig Ryburn is gonna find it. This is what has kept him in the trade for 34 years. He knows how to put everything on the smallest of tables.
Modern Austen III: What Does He Mean I’m Not Marriage Material?
If father and mother ever knew that I met Mr. Oxford at a seedy dive bar, or that I allowed him to kiss me on the cheek that night, they would never look at me again!
The Perfect Chain Letter, Part 2
If you don’t have any friends, you must forward this to 80,000 people in 57 seconds or else a horned leprechaun will appear and shoot you in the penis with a nail gun.
Is Chris Berman an NFL Sex Addict?
Talking about football on television gets Chris Berman so steamy under the collar that it makes you wonder just what he was up to during the commercial break.
A Desperate Love Letter to Santa
Dear Santa, how's the Mrs.? Have you given any thought to the arsenic? I promise it's painless. I promise I can make you feel young again.
The Illicit Meaning Behind the Lyrics to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”
It's time to overanalyze another Christmas song that you'll NEVER EVER be able to hear again without your mind going to a very dark place.