The Many Phones of Michael Cohen
7. Michael Cohen calls his tailors with this phone. When ordering suits he tends to use the phrase “make someone notice me, please.”
Tag: Satire
An Open Letter to the Adult Man in Target Who Decided He Didn’t Want Keebler’s Coconut Dreams
As I picked up the box of cookies, I imagined a world where everyone thought it was okay to leave items they didn’t want anymore wherever they please.
We’re Recruiting for Our Libertarian Utopia!
We had a few incidents in which some misused their legally acquired, weaponized smallpox strains, but that's a small price to pay for freedom.
Ranking the 2018 Kentucky Derby Horses by Name
9. Vino Rosso (12-1) – Means "red wine" in Italian and "try-hard" in English.
Five Signs That Your Barber is Collecting Your Hair So He Can Secretly Clone You
And when you asked what this mysterious doppelgänger’s name was, your barber quickly said, “That? That’s, uh, Comb McScissors.”
I Can’t Have Communication Issues, I Majored in Communications
I have communication issues? That's funny because in the eyes of the University of Illinois School of Communications, I am a master of communication.
Please Vote For Me, I’m Exactly Who You Said You Wanted
Some of you have commented on social media asking, “Why are you an angry lesbian who’s trying to take a nice man’s place at the Congress? Also, fat.”
Please Do Not Bring Your Three-Eyed Troll to My Keynote Address at the National Three-Eyed Troll Association Convention
If a troll eats my head, how will I spread the message that wielding trolls is a God-given right?
A List of Pastoral Poems Written by Historically Famous Political Pundits
Aristotle: “Man, when perfected, is the best of animals,/ but when separated from poppies and almond trees, he is the worst of all.”
Truthful Alumni Magazine Class Notes
Juan Baerga, ‘10, has only ever used what he learned from his $160,000 engineering degree in determining which piece to remove in Jenga.
All These Jokes About Appearance Were Just Uncalled For, Michelle Wolf
Many think this is about how teachers are underpaid and have to buy their own school supplies. But did you know that women call make-up "supplies?"
The Thunder in Paradise: Poems Created From Interviews With Hulk Hogan
I mean, dude, it's laid back, all this beautiful atmosphere and peace. But things are definitely moving in the right direction for me, thank god.