Please Enjoy Our Company Lunch of Not Pizza
I just thought it would be fun to spice things up this time—literally in the case of that ominously bubbling aluminum tray at the end of the row!
Tag: Satire
Diagraming Your Perfectly Pleasant Post-Interview Email Back to Me
“Thanks for taking the time to meet.” Alright, I see. I took the time to meet. I did you a favor, huh.
In Our Defense, When We Started Naming the Layers of the Ocean, We Didn’t Know How Much There Was
Wow, coral, fish, AND crabs—sounds biodiverse as hell. Whatcha gonna call it? The… “sunlight zone”?
Effective Immediately, We Are Cancelling Our Mentor-Manatee Program
We are especially pleased to announce that one of our program participants was named one of “30 Under 30 Feet of Water.” (Best of luck, Bubbles!)
Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
Dueling Tips from a Veteran Duelist
Judicial combat is a seminal moment and, with a record of 22-0 (humans) and 1-1 (trumpeter swan, with rematch), you’ve come to the right person for advice!
Even Cookie Monster Sick of Accepting All Cookies
That’s when Cookie Monster start to wonder, who real monster…
The Near-Future Dystopia in Which Everything Is Taylor Swift
I come downstairs and kiss my wife, Taylor Swift, and ruffle the hair of my son, Taylor Swift.
Everyone Is Inherently Worthy of Love, Respect, and Belonging—Except for You
My metaphysical hands are tied. It’s up to the collective hearts and minds of all that have been, that are, and that have yet to be.
The Trick-Question Section of the Student Aptitude for Withstanding Testing Anxiety Admission Test
John feels that trick questions on standardized tests are A) Necessary, B) Vexing, C) Forgromulent, or D) A word we made up just to trick John?
We Will Be Filming on Your Street Tomorrow for a Show That You and All Your Friends Will Really Hate!
The main characters will be named Tad, Morglee, Suppa, and Caldwater. They are all incredibly hot but still unpleasant to look at.
Help, It’s Your King! I’m Trapped and Will Surely Burn Alive Unless You Download This Mobile Game and Match Blocks by Similar Color and Shape!
I said similar color blocks. No, SIMILAR color! What the hell, are you stupid or something?