Jason Bourne Wakes Up in Disney World and Briefs His Family
Why do I have a safety deposit box at Epcot full of cash, character location maps, and over one hundred trading pins?
Tag: Satire
I’m a Legendary Matador Whose Passion Is Shopping at Costco
I clench my butt cheeks tightly and strut past an elderly couple, pulling on the front of a cart, sweeping it alongside my body.
A Day in the Life of a Sales Team’s Gong
I knew the moment Brad's Gucci loafer crossed the threshold of the antique store, that my time had run out.
I Am the Sticky Brown Kitchen Cabinets and All the Other Bad Choices Landlords Make with Their Rental Properties
Not only are my kitchen cabinets sticky and brown, but they contain condos for giant cockroaches who never pay HOA dues.
Bob Dylan’s Internal Monologue the Day He Wrote “Wigwam”
The song’s not even that long. Like 25 lines tops. This shouldn’t be that hard. Why is it so hard?
Uncle Sam Wants YOU to Auction Off a Meme to Pay for Your Gallbladder Removal
I’m here to tell you that for your upcoming, serious, life-threatening gallbladder removal surgery, you’re on your own, kiddo.
The Decline in U.S. Birth Rate Isn’t Due to the Pandemic, It’s Due to Spider Plants
The lack of children being born is not due to Millennials having less sex, but rather the funky little houseplants known as spider plants.
Things You Can Do After You’re Halfway Vaccinated
Grab brunch with friends, but only half-listen to what they’re saying. Something about a "drinking problem" and "ruining Stacy's wedding."
It’s Time to End Unemployment Benefits and Put In an Honest Day’s Work at the Rainforest Cafe
Think of all the times you said, "I wish I could provide for my family by working somewhere that played realistic thunderstorm sound effects every 17 minutes."
Dispatches from a Pigeon Trapped in a Grocery Store
9:15 AM – Bad news. No Bread. When I try to talk to Barry, manager Kyle swat at me and call me mean names like “noisy ass pidgeon.”
I’m Quitting—This Bowling Alley Is Going to Have to Find a New CGI Skeleton to Go On-Screen After a Strike
I became a bowling alley screen animation because damn it, I love this sport and I love being a part of it.
I’m That Fixer-Upper House in an Up-and-Coming Neighborhood, But Beware, I’ve Seen a Lot of Orgies
I used to have 30-45 people in me at once and not a bit of noise bothered the neighbors. Hey! That’s another thing: I’m very noise-proof!