10 Life Lessons I Learned from Paul Verhoeven Movies
Thanks to Showgirls, young women learned that contrary to outdated societal prejudice, exotic dancing can be a highly rewarding career path, especially in an ailing economy.
Tag: Parents
Teaching My Ignorant Dog and Cat About Sex
A lot of animals out there haven't had the proper education when it comes to sex, which is obvious from all of the stupid YouTube videos of idiot dogs humping each other's heads.
Son, You Should Expect to See Your Grandma Get Hurt Soon
You love your grandparents more than your regular parents, which is why you need to prepare yourself when they break a body part right in front of you.
How to Tell If Your Teen is on Drugs, Or Just the Dark Harbinger of Legend
Sure, you may be worried your teen has succumbed to the latest drug craze, but it's also likely he's just the apocalyptic repayment for centuries of evil and injustice.
Why Successful Immigrants Shouldn’t Become Birds at 40 Years Old
Whoever manages this Human-to-Bird-conversion is clearly a prankster. I've clearly done too much whining, and too little flying practice up to now.
Why are People Talking About My Son Instead of Ivanka?
My children, folks, so beautiful, so terrific. But one still stands out, the gorgeous Ivanka. So all this talk about Don Jr., all these fake news stories, who cares?
Is My Mom Worth a $7 Birthday Card?
I love you, mom. But as I comb through CVS's cards, I wonder: Are you worth the $7 I'm forking out for glitter, cheap puns, and a 12-second clip of "La Bamba"?
Dear Elon Musk, When Will AI Let Me Force Choke My Disobedient Children?
When will your muscle movement bracelets become widespread? And more importantly, will I be able to fit my children with them before I am driven to insanity?
The Handmaid’s Tale is Especially Scary For Me Because I’m Rich and White
Offred was forced to have sex with the commander again in front of his wife. Who treats white women like that!? Ugh, it was so terrible, because that like literally is my life.
7 Reasons Why “Cars 3” Might Bring Back My Dad
It was three tragic hit and runs that took my father away from us. And if my dad was killed by three cars, shouldn't Cars 3 be able to bring him back?
Why Won’t My Grandpa Shut Up About Vietnam and Do Something About Global Warming?
Climate change wouldn't be such a big deal, Grandpa, if you'd stop telling me stories about enemy brush fire and start recycling.
5 Players Who Should Be Pitching Tonight Instead of My Stepson Damien
It seems like Coach Johnson is completely willing to jeopardize the season by starting my stepson Damien, noted for embarrassingly once giving up 8 runs in a half inning.