Realistic Financial Goals By Age 35
Relationships are about one thing, and one thing only: affordable housing. Find someone who doesn’t smell too bad and lock it down.
Tag: Office
It Takes More Muscles to Frown Than to Smile, and Even More Muscles to Lift This Vending Machine Off Me
I’d be willing to bet it takes dozens of muscles in the arms, legs, and torso to lift this soda machine off of my shattered body.
Unmailed Greeting Cards for My Therapist
Do you think I’m a nice person? Do you think I’m full of rage? Crap, I’m turning my apology into a plea for validation. I hate when I do that.
How to Have the Perfect Hollywood Meeting
Other topics conversation should focus on famous people you’ve worked with or in relative proximity to, and how long it took to get to the meeting.
I Will Not Be Issuing a Refund For My Unorthodox “Next Stop: Team Town” Workshop
It is true: I stabbed every balloon on the showroom floor and likened it to Steve stabbing me in the back when he left me for the dweebs at DreamTeamz LLC.
Astrology is Stupid (Unless I’m Being a Total Bitch, Then I’m Blaming My Gemini Moon)
“My moon is in Sagittarius, so I shut down emotionally to cope with stress! I told you that on Christmas after I punched that mall Santa!”
I Now Have a Passion For My Job Thanks to the Home Brewing Station I Set Up in My Cubicle
Also, I’ve requisitioned the men’s room for my milling and mashing. I’m not going to be hauling raw grain up the stairs for each and every batch.
Incredibly Rude Responses to Perfectly Reasonable Job Applications
Firstly, the phrase, “I know all the words to 'Space Oddity'” is not the best way to start off an application to NASA.
Top Places for Dudes to Cry
Don't cry in a work bathroom---a co-worker or boss might see your shoes, hear you crying, and think you poop too hard.
You’re God! How Will You Punish Jim Carrey?
Somebody will watch in confusion as a frustrated Jim Carrey thrusts his torso to explain where the parking garage’s car elevator will go.
Guy Fieri Resigns As Mayor of Flavortown
Apparently, my haters think I’m ‘off the hook’ but in a bad way, something I didn’t even know was possible.
Memorandum to Our DC Law Office RE: New Business
The "Gold-Gilt Family Plan," for multiple members of the same family that are involved in the same case.