I’m Sick and Tired of Congress Politicizing Tragedies Like the One I’m About to Perpetrate
Bureaucrats will waste zero time before pointing fingers and disrespecting the men, women, and children I'm about to systematically mow down.
Tag: Crime
I Heard Robert Mueller is a Draft-Dodging Sexual Predator
This Mueller character, looking into "collusion," he's the worst of the bunch. Many sources have told me he's a draft dodger and sexual predator.
Everyone Ignored the Warning in My Lyrics, Now “Cotton Eye Joe” is Killing Again
Cotton Eye Joe killed my fiancé, and I tried to warn you about him by weaving the truth of his existence into the lyrics of a popular dance song.
The 6 Coziest Federal Offenses to Commit From the Warmth of Your Home This Winter
Finally, a list of felonies to perpetrate from your breakfast nook while wearing your snuggliest onesie. Let it snow, let it snow!
My Car Keys are Missing, and I Blame Hillary’s Emails
I have the world's best memory, so when I woke up this morning and couldn't find my car keys anywhere, I knew Crooked Hillary was to blame.
7 Bold Tips for Getting Over Your Post-Holiday Blues at All Costs
Exercising, befriending co-workers, and taking hostages are great ways to cheer yourself up in an otherwise dismal new year!
The Differences Between Going Abroad as a Tourist, a Backpacker, or a Traveler
Three examples of how self-imposed labels have personally defined my experiences abroad, from utterly tame to absolutely insane.
I’m Sorry for Ruining the Big Fishing Trip
I'm sorry I kept going to the helm and telling the Captain, "I'm the Captain now." However, if everyone had backed up my mutiny, the trip would have been fine.
Wanted: Young, Female Assistant for Totally Normal Stuff
While there are many Craigslist jobs out there, this one is unique because it pays well and guarantees you will not be bludgeoned to death during a pagan sacrifice.
As a Proud Roman Patrician, I Hereby Denounce the Gladiators Protesting Emperor Caligula
Outrageous! Gladiators have been engaging in vile political protest by quietly bending to their knees rather than showing proper tribute to our Empire and dear Emperor Caligula.
WANTED: Small-Town Vigilante for Part-Time Freelance Opportunity
Are you the reckless, arrogant threat to public safety we're looking for? If so, the Sheriff's Office of Addison County, Vermont wants to hear from you!
How to Tell If Your Teen is on Drugs, Or Just the Dark Harbinger of Legend
Sure, you may be worried your teen has succumbed to the latest drug craze, but it's also likely he's just the apocalyptic repayment for centuries of evil and injustice.