Lila: I hate your bed. It bows out in the middle. How did it get so concave?
Me: You know how.
Lila: Shut up. You can fucking lie to me, you know?
Me: I know.
Lila: What?
Me: I said, “No.”
Lila: Like hell you did, asshole.
Me: I like Gasparilla because it is a day that everyone can get together and get completely out of hand. Blackouts are encouraged. I like it when blackouts are encouraged.
Sandwich Vendor: Do I know you?
Me: We're coming up on a major economic collapse.
Mark: You're not supposed to smile and get all giddy when you say that.
Me: Says who?
Mark: Seriously, what is so great about economic collapse?
Me: Think about it, dude. Tech bubble, housing bubble, commodities bubble, a government creating markets to hide the inflation and devaluation here while essentially turning the American currency into oak leaves causing a massive disruption on investments from the world economy, yielding to an insane hike in the price of goods for our citizens. It could cause anarchy.
Mark: What's great about anarchy?
Me: Dude, buy a punk album, will you?
Me: Anarchy kicks ass. Revolutions kick ass. Freedom kicks ass. And the people are so screwed that they don't even realize how screwed they are. If it gets bad enough, maybe people will stop going back to the well of the federal government to quench the thirst of their personal economic issues. Maybe they'll dig their own fucking well.
Mark: Yeah, but it sucks for business.
Me: Who needs business when you've got looting and rioting in the streets?
Mark: I worry about you sometimes, but just a little, not a lot.
Me: That's 'cause you know I got my shit together.
Mark: No, it's because I only like you a little.
Me: Asshole.
Rick: I find it absolutely ridiculous that you have a salary job with benefits and I work at a goddamn deli.
Me: You never graduated college.
Rick: I'm smarter than you.
Me: You're not as quick on your feet.
Rick: I'm smarter than you.
Me: You're a convicted felon.
Rick: Always gotta throw that in my face, don't you?
Me: If the jumpsuit fits?
Rick: You are fucking dead!
Me: That'll be felony number two, then.
Rick: Burn in hell, DeGraaf.
Me: If God had a name, I'll bet it'd be Steve.
Dave: Why wouldn't he just call himself, God?
Me: ‘Cause God's not a name.
Dave: Who says?
Me: Think about it, dude. There's no God's Bar and Grill or God's Sandwich Shop or even a dude named like God Samuels. It's not a name.
Dave: It will be when I get a new dog.
Labels: snippets