Me: How come every time I see you, you're all marked up from a fight?
Brian: Well you see, laddy, not only am I an Irishman, but I'm an Irishman who hangs out with fucked up assholes like this man right here, who gets in stupid and unnecessary fights because he is, as I may have mentioned, an asshole. And so, every time he gets a wild hair up that fat ass of his, I end up having to back him up, because I'm a good friend, even to those friends of mine who probably belong behind bars.
Mark: I resent that, Brian. I do not have a fat ass.
Gabe: Mark, how'd you get that black eye?
Mark: Someone kicked me in the face.
Gabe: Good.
Jaime: You know what I like the most about your face?
Me: No.
Jaime: Symmetry. There's beautiful symmetry right there.
Jason: You know, I was just thinking the same thing about your ass.
Me: Excuse my friend; when he's not a total cock, he's a total cock blocker.
Jaime: It's okay. Ugly people are bitter. I think everyone knows that.
Me: So what's it like having a total hottie call you ugly?
Jason: Look, just 'cause she's got a tight body with a great ass and a beautiful face and she thinks you're hot? fuck!
Me: What?
Jason: I have no point except to say that I want you dead.
Me: What did I do?
Jason: You showed up.
Me: Yeah, I tend to do that. Sorry.
Jason: It's okay. We all have bad days.
Me: I love lightning storms.
Bay: Then you live in the right city.
Me: Don't you love lightning storms?
Bay: Not as much as I love nice days and beautiful sunsets.
Me: Lightning is really beautiful sometimes.
Bay: Yeah, but it can kill you. I like harmless beauty.
Me: No such thing.
Bay: Wow, you're really deep for a guy I met in a strip club.
Me: Fuck off.
Jenny: So why do they call you Bay?
Bay: It's my name.
Jenny: Your parents named you Bay?
Bay: Yeah. They were gonna let the neighbor name me, but his dog kept crapping on their lawn, so they went and did it their damn selves.
Jenny: What?
Bay: Forget it.
Jenny: So why did they name you Bay?
Bay: Because they wanted to, I guess.
Jenny: You never asked them?
Bay: I never got the chance. They were mauled to death by elephants when I was three.
Jenny: That is so sad.
Bay: Did you graduate high school?
Jenny: Of course, why?
Bay: Forget it.
Labels: snippets