Me: You know what the hardest thing about being an umpire is?
Ian: Calling a consistent strike zone.
Me: Nope. The hardest thing about being an umpire is keeping mustard stains off your uniform. And ginger ale gets out mustard stains. But the thing is, no ballparks ever sell ginger ale. That's why you should always keep some ginger ale in your car.
Ian: That is, by far and away, the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Me: Marinate on it. It'll get through.
Me: The thing is, I'm sick of all the cliche's associated with being an umpire?you know, with being around baseball all the time.
Lee: So what you're saying is, you want some new sayings?
Me: In a manner of speaking, that is the matter of which I am speaking?
Lee: What the hell is the matter with your manner, anyway?
Me: That's another subject, completely.
Lee: So what sayings are you sick of?
Me: “Hot enough for you?” and “It's not so much the heat as it is the humidity” are the two that really piss me off.
Lee: But it ain't even hot yet.
Me: But it will be. That's why we need to work on the new cliche's, now.
Lee: Okay, I'll bite. What do you want to replace them with?
Me: How about “How's your ball sweat?” and “It's not so much the heat, it's the dry heaving”?
Lee: You've given this way too much thought.
Me: Thanks.
Coach T: But that's not fair.
Me: Fair? Ain't that the place where you get the caramel apples? Life ain't fair. I can only call what I see.
Coach T: That's not right.
Me: Yes it is. It's exactly right. Wrong would be for me to call what you see, you see?
Coach T: You're a little too strange for baseball.
Me: Gesundheit.
Me: I just taught your son everything I know about field umpiring.
Pam: Wow.
Dave: It ain't that impressive, Pam. It only took him three minutes.
Me: Yeah, I don't know all that much.
Me: Why would you want to be an umpire, Aaron? Everybody hates umpires.
Aaron: You're an umpire.
Me: Yeah, and do you know anyone who actually likes me?
Aaron: I'm not answering that.
Me: Smart move.
Coach B: I like your strike zone.
Me: Thanks.
Coach B: Hate your uniform.
Me: Oh yeah, I uhh.. have this problem with mustard? anyway, good game.
Coach B: Good game.
Labels: snippets