>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield

November 18, 2007

“I read your article about the worst sexual experience, Gaudio.”

“Hey Heller. That right?”

“Yeah…and there was this one guy in the comment box…who left this message that was completely wordy bullshit. Like three fucking pages.”

“I remember that guy.”

“It's like he's one of those guys who sits in his parent's basement and the only way he can get attention is negatively and through strangers.”


“Yeah. Nobody who knows him will talk to him.”

“Well if they talked to him, he'd edit their grammar, with great vigor and unfounded criticism!”


“Undoubtedly, Sir Heller!”

“I really enjoyed the article! Up until it sucked! Hahahaha. But seriously, rot in hell!”

“Corncob pipe?”

“Why yes!”

“I should say, Sir Gaudio, may we write a parchment to address our dear friendless Friend?”

“Why…Great Scott, we may!”

This is a Gaudio/Heller Production

My Dearest Corpulent Reader,

Welcome Thou, To Thine Internet.

Within this year, 37 percent of the Internet-using populace has made him or herself feel better through the utilization of indiscriminate harassment. Ergo, we have blogs, chatrooms and instant messaging bestowing insurmountable quantities of aggravation opportunities. With these odds, it results in no astonishment that you have somehow found this site of web and clicked on my box of comment. (Author's note: “Box of comment” would be a really, really good porn movie name.)

Have no fear, my piggingly good fellow! You are not unaccompanied! The internets are filled with a bountiful plethora of facetious good-natured Sodomites as yourself!

You are capable of unearthing your comrades via:

1. Facebook

Check these sweet dudes and dudettes out!

Jason “Craze” Mahoney: “Hi, I give the finger with BOTH HANDS in my Facebook profile pic. I'm so rad and anti society. We can discuss nihilism.”

Betty Jo Griffith: “I'm fat and my profile pic is me… in a prom dress… three years ago. My interests include: Hagan Daas, Hand-jobs on first dates, and Harry Potter (I love Draco!!!!!!) I just really, really need friends.”

Peter Sonoma-Williams: “My profile picture is me in sunglasses, with a contrast and adjusted in tint to bright red. I live alone in a shitty, basement efficiency. The boiler gets so hot some nights the hair singes off my legs. I haven't been laid yet, but I've jerked off to my dad's 1978 Playboy enough times that it should count for something. Also, I read Tucker Max.”

2. AIM

You can berate a profuse magnitude of people you don't know, people you do know and groups you're not associated with. And these guys do too! Way gnarly!

Aaron Lee Asenberger – SexyStud203094488: “I constantly talk to girls on-line on AIM. I've e-dated girls in Hawaii and Alaska, a lot of states. I never got to see any of them but a few sent me these really, really sexy photographs. Yep, I've dated girls in Alabama… in… New York… in… every state…. except…. mine…. hmm…”

Jessica Louise Munchausen – 666AFIgurl666: “I have so many friends on AOL that I can't talk to them all, even often enough for them to remember me! It's so great being able to talk to Yoshi in Okinawa about how great AFI is! My profile? Yeah. Those are Sing the Sorrow Lyrics. It's strange though…all the people who love me are so far away. If I could just leave this FUCKING HORSESHIT TOWN, everybody would want me around.”

Xavier Ezekiel Smithsonian – My_Initials_Spell_SEX_Backwards: “Despite my fly name, most people think that I smell bad. That's why I use the internet, I guess. The smell of curry can't seep through my LAN-line…yet L”

3. Comment Boxes on Comedy Articles

Offend whole groups of people with these buds, Bro!

Thomas French Canada: “Bon jour! I really enjoyed the article! Up until it sucked! Hahahahahaahaha. I amuse myself. But seriously, rot in hell! Hashanah!”

Donald Bag Benderham: “First, I would like to comment on the, commas. You, do not know how to, use commas, correctly. I am, appalled, at such poor, usage! I, get my kicks, from the fine, humor of Bill O'Reilly. Now, there's a man, who knows, his commas.

Secondly of all, I think it's ludicrous that you get joy out of everybody's misfortune. It's rediculous that you implement pain as a moving force in your essential story progression. Has anybody laughed at me when I fall down? Yeah. But it hurted my feelings.

Thirdly, that all may be aware. I am certainly a much better writer than this guy ever is. His accomplishments are sheer luck. I know what's funny.

Like this gut-slapper:

Q: What's the opposite of white?
A: Black?

Answer: Yolk.

Hashanah! It's an egg joke!”

Juliette Fem-Gnazi: “You asshole! You never understand what it is to be a woman! We BLEEEDD FOR FOUR DAYS A MONTH YOU FUCKING BASTARD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BLEED WHEN YOU PEE?! DO YOU? DO YOU?! DO YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1”

Now, my dear sir, we would like to commence with this:

Thank You, dear sir
For your interest in our Word

But if you would kindly sit quiet
And wait nice while we cry it:

You'll see you can get laid
And she doesn't have to be paid.

Obtuse pedanticory
Makes nipples like hickory.

The end. (Hashanah!)

This has been a Nick Gaudio/Nathan Heller Production.

Special Thanks:

1. God, for in your infinite wisdom you wrought hatred and brimstone upon Sodom.

2. Psychological and Social Disease, which together provide massive amounts of fodder for internet comedy articles.

3. And You, for your interest in the comment box these last few weeks.