>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

April 11, 2007

Sean: My wife doesn’t want us hanging out anymore.
What are we gonna do about that?
Good plan.

Most of my friends’ girlfriends and wives absolutely, positively fucking hate me. Now, I know hate is a strong word in some instances. Rest assured that this is not one of those instances.

There have been at least three weddings (that I know of) where I was specifically not invited because, to borrow a phrase from my buddy, Sean, “Dude, the girl’s met you.”

And, there’s a point there. I have a long track record of being horrible at weddings. I’m known for sleeping with the wrong girl (somebody’s girlfriend/wife/daughter/mother), getting really wasted and saying the wrong thing(s), and eventually, putting food where it does not belong.

As the mad man Kurt Vonnegut once wrote: “It’s not my fault. I never asked to be born.”

“Drinks Too Much Bitch wants to curb her man's drinking, and as such, I am removed from the picture.”

Anyway, because of my experience with losing friends or being banned from the presence of their women, I have a long track record of knowing exactly what kind of castrating bitch your buddy is dating. All knowledge is learning.

There are at least five major categories of castrating bitch in which your buddy’s girlfriend may or may not belong. And, since Fearless Editor Court Sullivan recently sent me an email reminding me that I am well below my PIC list quota for ’07, I figure that now is the perfect time to release to you, my fine readers (who are probably procrastinating work), the five main types of castrating bitches.

No need to thank me. I’m here to help.

New Friends Bitch

New Friends Bitch, as the name implies, is the bitch who does not ban her boyfriend from outright hanging out with me. In fact, she still invites me to all of the functions to which she is exposing her boyfriend. The only problem is that the people who make up these functions usually suck. They usually have a career in common or a fraternity in common or some kind of artistic niche in common, and they all wonder why in the name of God I am hanging out with them.

And, after a few failed attempts to socialize with people who out and out suck ass because they lack originality, senses of humor, and/or taste for alcohol, I start wondering why in the hell I’m hanging out with them.

If this works, as it sometimes does, eventually my friend and I grow more and more distant until we’re not really all that close anymore—only neither one of us can really say why, because one of us (me) drinks too much, and the other one (him) is effectively so whipped that his memory of things since his girl’s arrival are essentially brainwashed by her interpretation thereof.

If her plan does not work, it is because he has a pair of balls, can get laid without selling his soul and hates the people she exposes him to.

But I gotta tell you (and it hurts to type), this usually works.

I Can’t Handle Him Bitch

Can’t Handle Him Bitch tells her boyfriend that she does not want to hang out with me because she cannot handle my behavior and attitude. From then on, whenever they do anything in groups, I am banned.

Some of the Can’t Handle Him Bitches have legitimate arguments against my being in their presence. These arguments are often based on the bitch’s personal, ethical standards that I more than likely pissed all over at one point or another. As such, I can’t really blame all of the Can’t Handle Him Bitches.

However, it’s the bitches who say that they can’t handle me because of some joke I made, or some opinion I expressed that make me want to punch my whipped friends where their balls used to be.

Look, just ‘cause a guy thinks recycling and global warming are both scams propagated by controlling influences hell bent on monopolizing the world economy, does not mean that I shouldn’t be welcome at the barbecue. I mean, everyone’s entitled to their opinions, right?

Drinks Too Much Bitch

This bitch wants to curb her man’s drinking, and as such, I am removed from the picture. This is the most effective way to get me out of your man’s life. All you need to do is utilize the following conversational format.

Drinks Too Much Bitch: My boyfriend’s not drinking anymore. You can hang out with him, but don’t drink in front of him for at least a couple of months, okay?
Tell him to give me a call when he’s ready to test drive his fresh tolerance.
Drinks Too Much Bitch:
Yeah, I don’t think so.

Know What He Does Bitch

Know What He Does Bitch knows what I do when I go out. This is because either Know What He Does Bitch and I once dated, or because I once dated one of her friends. This is an incredibly sore spot for me when it’s the former (because, how can you argue with her?), but when she is of the latter opinion, I always feel it’s a little harsh.

Anyway, this chick tells her boyfriend a whole bunch of stories about things I have done to her or her friends, and then my friend realizes, “Holy shit. I thought he made that up.”

The next thing you know, your used-to-be male friend is on the phone with you saying something along the lines of, “Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be hanging out much any more. I heard what you did to Sheila, and she’s like a good friend of my girl so… but seriously dude: a cake mixer… anyway, have a good one, hoss.”

There’s nothing scarier than a bitch with evidence.

Can’t Go Out with Him Bitch

Can’t Go Out with Him Bitch basically just tells her man that she cannot go out with me and gives her man no reason whatsoever. And the man in question, because he is a little bitch himself, never calls to tell me what’s up.

Can’t Go Out with Him Bitch basically saves me the time it would have otherwise taken to learn that my friend is a punk bitch.

Now, keep in mind that not all girlfriends/wives are castrating bitches (at least, to this degree). I have many friends who will be friends with me regardless of what any woman says. And, for the most part, these friends are the only ones that matter. Which, kind of brings me near a point…

I guess what I’m saying is (if you feel you need to draw a conclusion from this column or something), is that, no matter how castrating the bitch is, if she finds a way to keep your friend from you, your friend probably sucked anyway.

In honor of Jackie Robinson, The Nate Way will also be wearing number 42 on April 15. It’s a heritage thing.