>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
March 22, 2006

Amy: Do you think she’s cute?
Nathan:
Yeah, she’s really hot.
Amy:
God, you’re a dick. You couldn’t even at least pretend to hate the way she looks?
Nathan:
So basically, you want me to lie?
Amy:
Yes.

As some of you readers may or may not know (doesn’t matter), I have a girlfriend. Now, this is my first girlfriend in several years. I usually just bounce from girl to girl in an effort to find another girl to bounce on. But, for the last few months anyway, I have changed my ways. As a result of my recent entanglement into the world of relationships, I have learned a few things that I feel I should share with you in case you ever end up with a girl leaving her stuff all over your place and complaining that you never take her anywhere.

The keys to a successful relationship are lying, drinking heavily, communicating effectively, and having a shitload of cash. Before you go out and get yourself a ball and chain, you must fully understand these four cornerstones of any good relationship. So, put on your West Virginia Coal Miner helmets, light the little light, and prepare to get stuck in a well. This is some deep shit here people.

Lying

Some people will tell you that honesty is necessary to maintain a successful relationship. These people are lying. And lying is one of the keys to a successful relationship. Guys, here is a list of things you never want to admit to: an excessive amount of drinking, partying and previous sexual encounters; any of the lies you tell, whenever you cheat on her; or any infatuation that involves you urinating on her (you want to save that last one for the honeymoon). As long as you lie to your girl and refrain from telling her anything that could piss her off, she will live under the false pretense that she is truly happy. And then you get the blowjobs. So remember this guys, when it comes to maintaining a happy relationship, lying is trying (I find that only the good advice rhymes).

Drinking Heavily

Your girl will do and say a lot of stupid and infuriating things. Between the mood swings, the inability to keep a secret, and the disrespect for logic and reason, she may drive you bat shit. When you get upset, you need to blow off steam. Many people blow off steam in different ways. Some people paint. Others make model airplanes. I drink heavily. Now, alcohol is the best way to blow off steam because there’s a good chance you won’t remember who you cheated on your girl with, and it gives you the greatest of all great excuses. “I don’t even remember what happened, baby. I was drunk.” Ahh, that’s a classic.

Communicating Effectively

To communicate effectively with your girl, you need to get TiVo or the equivalent thereof. You see, the ability to pause live television eliminates a very big communication problem between men and women. By pausing the television whenever she says something stupid that, for whatever reason, can’t wait until the commercial, you eliminate a frustration and actually listen to the words that come out of her mouth. She thinks this is important, so why not humor her? Also, you may want to consider wearing headphones all the time. Of course, that assumes that your girl is polite enough to respect the fact that you’re listening to something other than her and won’t shut off your tunes. Good luck with that.

Having a Shitload of Cash

Even if you make your money by killing orphans in Indonesia, your woman will respect the fact that you have a whole lot of cash. This way, whenever your girl has a problem, you can just hand her a wad of bills and watch the magic that is her shutting the hell up.

Lying, drinking heavily, communicating effectively, and having a shitload of cash are all very important to maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship. As long as you lie about all the bad shit that you do and that you’ve done, drink heavily whenever you just want to smack the crap out of your girl, buy TiVo, and collect a lot of money, you should be able to maintain a successful relationship that could even lead to marriage.

And then, ultimately, divorce.

Good luck with your relationships, people. And there’s no need to thank me. I’m just glad I could help.

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