Again we reunite, and again I bring you the barely passable cinema that is Tribeca. I tried doubling my dose of antidepressants before watching this week’s films, but even the wondrous happiness-in-a-pill that is Percoset can’t begin to take the edge off of my weekly tribulation.

Anyway, since I doubt I will be able to force myself to watch any more of these videos without the sort of serious mental regression about which my analyst has warned me, you should find a link to the entire collection of Tribeca shorts. I’d tell you to take my advice and stay away from them, but I just can’t foresee anyone listening to me.

My father beat me as a child. For that, I’d like to thank him. You see, he was fair when he dealt his beatings—if I was acting like a nitwit, he pointed that out to me… with a belt.

For those of you currently receiving parental beatings (the relatively harmless kind, at least), be thankful, because you’re learning the difference between right and retardation. This girl never learned that difference, and this is the result. She is the prototypical filthy hippie who thinks that if she gets naked and does something that violates etiquette and good sense then she will garner the attention her parents never gave her.

What I’m trying to say here is that if any of you ever actually manage to reproduce, don’t spare the rod. Also, if anyone was thinking of making a televised public service announcement in the same vein, I offer my services as a depressingly minor internet celebrity.

Generic trophies created by Robert De Niro for self-serving purposes: 1.5 (out of 4)

This film brings to us a valuable insight that, in all probability, has escaped the notice of the vast majority of the population. It is an idea that is so overwhelmingly powerful and moving that most people will be initially unable to accept it as true, but when they do, it will revolutionize life as we know it.

Brace yourself, ladies and gentlemen, for a film that redefines profound with an undeniably momentous revelation for mankind—it sucks to be a fat girl in seventh grade. Take a moment to appreciate that, for it will truly reshape your perception of existence itself. We as a species cannot thank the creators of this film enough for what they have done for the betterment of mankind.

Also, if you have a thing for watching prepubescent girls dance, this one’s right up your alley.

Generic trophies created by Robert De Niro for self-serving purposes: 1 (out of 4)

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like we have a winner here—this film is brilliant in the simplicity of its premise; it takes a common situation (young boy making a sock puppet), adds some evil, and goes on a Fantasia-esque journey through the next few minutes. There is no attempt to make the kind of overly insightful statement about society through poor satire that has become so common in today’s filmmaking. I truly respect this, as today people don’t seem to understand that no one cares about unnecessarily complex films that represent their obscure sociopolitical beliefs, especially when they could just watch simple, comical violence.

This is not to say that I do not respect or desire films with a message and a meaning; however, if you can’t make one of those properly, just stick to something simpler. And trust me, you can’t make one of those properly.

Generic trophies created by Robert De Niro for self-serving purposes: 3.5 (out of 4)

This film, I imagine, is probably quite representative of your lives, my dear audience. First, all your successes with women are simply exaggerated stories of your own inability to grasp the sort of social conventions that might lead you to any kind of fulfilling relationship (or even the debaucherous one-night-stands you strive for because of your incapacity to please another human being sexually for more than a few hours, if you can even manage for that long).

Second, every time you talk, you probably imagine that everyone around you really cares. They don’t. Even your friends only tolerate your words because they are equally vapid and will eventually need someone else to listen to their inane ramblings.

Finally, this movie, like most of your lives, is something that I loathe when I am forced to interact with it and keep my distance from when I am not.

Generic trophies created by Robert De Niro for self-serving purposes: 1.5 (out of 4)

Yet again, we have reached the end of our time together. Do not fret, though, for in all probability I will not have been catapulted to success over the next seven days and will thus be forced to return here once more. On that note, I bid you all adieu.