>>> Casual Misanthropy
By staff writer JD Rebello
October 10, 2004


Wow, it's been a year. Can you believe it? A whole year since Casual Misanthropy debuted to an adoring public with the Golden Rules of AIM, which have by now gained cult status. Since then, there have been some good times, bad times, and for the most part: “Huh?” times. After a year of beer jokes, masturbation, feminist hatred, gay jokes, and declaring “Love, Actually” the Citizen Kane of “chick movies that it's OK for guys to like”, I've decided to pay tribute to you: the readers, the ones who week after week fill my send/read feedback section, while the other writers on this site gaze at feedback sections as barren as Canadian's bedroom. Zing, and then some.

Not that I love all of my readers. I could do without Pigtails13 of Middleboro Junior High IMing me with such witticisms as “I wanna have yo baby! Lolololol!” Stop doing that. I can get arrested for that. A few more things I can do without:

*IM's from people asking me if I'm really four years old.
*IM's from people pretending they know me then backtracking to “Uh, well, this was on my uh friend's uh buddy list, you see.”
*IM's from people asking for love advice. Seriously, I'm not the one to ask. Talk to Nicole or Simonne. Or if you're queer, I'm sure Beech and the Canadian can give you some pointers. One good turn deserves another.

Moving on, here's a selection of the very best feedback I've received in 50 episodes of Casual Misanthropy.

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES:

height matters. as for size…women want you to be able to make them come. most women do not come from sex alone. know how to use your tongue and hands and you'll be fine. it's all about the clitoris and g spot.
Kelli


We all know guys masturbate; but girls… girls should do it more. It's the only guarantee that it's going to be done correctly. It's really not as good as sex, but, damn, I must admit I'm a bit of an addict myself.
Eliza

We have a pussy and tits they ca play with and you don't. Do you know what that means? That means that we will always win. Oh yeah, i am one of the ones to watch out for, i've done it to your friends!
Sabrina

Boys are dumb. I love dumb hot boys.
Natalie

See? Girls are evil. They like to pretend they are all sweet and innocent, but look at this. I mean, LOOK AT THIS. You know that myth that girls are more disgusting than guys? It's true. Have you ever seen “Sex and the City” Jesus, that's one raunchy ass show. Girls are insane.


DUFF STUFF:

hehe, if you propose to hilary duff before me, well i will just have to steal her and then kill you
Ross

hillary duff has a horrible pussy. i hope she chokes on my titty.
jess

amen to that. did u see her breasts on the lizzie mcguire movie cover dvd? dammmmn! thats all i have to say keep on writin
Daniel

Glad I'm not the only one reading up on sex with minors laws. By the way, if you pretend Jess is Lindsay Lohan, and visualize her feedback, well, that's a recipe for “alone time.”


RED SOX THOUGHTS:

red sox fan don't know shit, it's just cause their jealous they can't win, and it's gonna be more funny when they get their asses kicked by the yanks this year and don't make it after signing all those guys, it's gonna be funny to see
yanks fan

not only is this our year, but it is our next 5. so suck a cunt.
Kyle

varitek's a pussy
Maggie

Seriously though, you are all retarded. But we're Red Sox fans, what can you expect?
Rachael

First off, Yankee fans are idiots. Yankee fans preferred getting a shortstop to play third base, and gave up a great second baseman in the process. The Yankees are garbage. They've got a pitching staff that couldn't make an intramural wiffle ball squad. They've got one pitcher who lost a fight to a wall. They gave up 44 combined runs to the Royals and Indians in two games.

And with all that, they're still ahead of the Red Sox. Blame Francona, or blame the curse. No, go ahead, blame the curse. Every other stupid bastard does.

I don't know about this being our year, not because of the Yankees, but the Twins are damn good, and no one's talking about them. Twins and Cardinals in the World Series. Reverse jinxes all around! And how can you call Varitek a pussy? He woman-slapped Gay-Rod, and told him, “We don't bean guys hitting .260.” The only way Tek could be more badass is if he drove three states and killed Arod's whole family a la the Punisher. And frankly, there's still time.


MY READERS ARE SMART:

Just out of curiosity, do you count Dallas as part of the south?
Kristen

Hell, I dont know the capital of Ohio.
Scott

You spelled insane wrong u dumbass “pointing out your most inane flaws.” maybe you should spell check ass hole
Frenchie

I love that someone called Frenchie sent this feedback. He/she is right, my articles are so stupid, poorly thought out, and insane.


RANDOMNESS:

I too, am single, and feeling the slit-my-wrists-cause-it-sucks-so-much feeling too. I fall into level two, the third wheel. But today, Idecided to enjoy my own self-loathing alone. Happy ANTI-Valentine's Day. I'll be happily celebrating St. Justin's Day…but I think I'm gonna start tonight. Jack Daniels is going to be my Valentine tonight.
Amanda

This made me think that I've really earned my own holiday. Granted I'm not a saint, but neither was Jesus, and he's got like six holidays. I'm going to give some thought to this.

The homosexual waiter doesn't teach Baby how to dance. The homosexual waiter impregnates Penny. The homosexual DANCE TEACHER teaches Baby how to dance
leh

That better be the last reference to Dirty Dancing in my column, ever.

Oh, bless you young sir .. It's a great relief to see that I'm not the only person who noticed how much MTV blows a propostuous amount of midget cock. And excuse me if I spelled propostuous wrong, I'm not much for brains.
Duncan

Propostuous? Fair enough. If Duncan says so, it's a word.

Seriously, the creepiest image I have ever seen is Hillary Clinton wearing a Yankees hat. The stuff of nightmares.
Emily

Yikes. That is scary. The worst was seeing Nicole Kidman at Yankee Stadium during last year's ALCS. She was wearing a Yanks cap and looking bored as shit. Then someone tapped on her shoulder and she realized she was on TV and started the most half-ass cheer I've ever seen. It was utterly propostuous.

Well you just about covered every girl out there…so my conclusion from reading this is…well…you are about as GAY as they get!!!
Christen

Not true, I've met a few who aren't part of the THAT GIRLS. But they already have rich, attractive boyfriends who wear striped shirts and don't comb their hair. Grr. Girls are retards, doesn't make me gay. It's like Elaine said on Seinfeld: “I hate men, but I'm not a lesbian!” Well, that works in reverse.

Wait, you're from Boston and you drink… Heineken? What the hell?
Jables

Sorry, Jables. Actually, I'm from Rhode Island, not Boston. I'm definitely about Sam Adams, and—holy shit, a bird just flew into my window! Oh wow, I've never seen that before! Sorry, I got sidetracked, but that was nuts. Uh, anyway, Sam is the best, but sometimes I like Heineken. I'm an alcoholic. Leave me alone. Side note: If one of your friends is drunk, treat it as you would a death in the family. Don't bring it up. There's nothing more annoying than being hammered and one of your sober pals (almost always a girl) decides to go, “So, you're drunk. God, you're so drunk.” Over and over. And as a corollary, if you're drunk, shut up about it. There's nothing more annoying than someone hammered (almost always a girl) being all: “God, I'm so drunk. I can't even stand up. Wow, I'm really drunk.”


THESE SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES:

i love my penis
mike

about wendy's…who in the hell buys a $5 or $6 cheeseburger?? who actually does that…
LiNz

The mistake is that it is not a sharks penis for it is a whale's penis which is a dork.
Matt

Brooke ate the peanuts out of my shit this past weekend!
Paul


THE BEST POLITICAL COMMENTARY THE NET HAS TO OFFER:

yeah bush sucks, but if you're democratic, kerry is even worse… we're all fucked
Anonymous

Hell yes. (although my slightly retarded beagle puppy would also be better than Bush) But you still have my vote. (My dog isn't a native citizen, so he can't run)
Melissa

Let me put on my Michael Moore glasses for a minute. Seriously, don't vote for Bush. Kerry sucks, too. But come on. Bush. Bush? Sadly, my beagle's a 63 year old American citizen and she's voting Bush. This enrages me to no end. Damn old people and their high election turnouts. Look into the future for a debate between me and my dog. It's really something.


ME? OFFENSIVE? SURELY, YOU JEST.

U make several great points, and I agree with you on many of them, but WHYYYY was the comment about fried chicken at the end of the article necessary? You can't make an argument about people being overly sensitive about race issues and then make a boldly racist reference to sterotypes surrounding Blacks. Not only was that comment uncalled for, but it also shows a lack of journalistic immaturity.
Dawn

This was a reference to my Kentucky Fried Chicken joke in the Barry Bonds column, in which I said the following:

“…Boston is a great city, with an unfair perception. Maybe Bonds should take a trip out here, see the sights, meet the people, and experience that Boston and Bostonians are civil and open-minded to all peoples. And if that's not enough to convince him, and he still feels ill will toward the city, just tell him we've got a Kentucky Fried Chicken.”

Come on, I was only joking. Boston doesn't even have a KFC. Wait for it. Wait for it.

It's your job to be offensive, and in that capacity, you're hilarious. But… gaaaaaaaah! sometimes, the feminist and gay jokes just get to be too much
Nitpick

Yeah, I can be a real faggot about gay jokes. Wait for it. Wait for it.


I'M AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING:

Well, if someone says “i'm rick james bitch”, we can say back “You're one dead black man, bitch”
chris

ever notice how black people are really good at the running sports, and white people are really good at the shooting sports? makes ya think
TonTo


A PICTURE IS WORTH ONE WORD: FUGLY.

are we ever gonna see what you actually look like? maybe then i can understand why you anit gettin any
Jamie

hey, why don't you have your pictures so everyone can see your face like all the other writers on this site? something smells a little fishy to me.
Linz

You got your wish. Enjoy gazing upon my awkward façade. Puberty is a motherfucker.


CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:

Your articles are awful. Your sense of humor isn't funny. I think you're one of the most ignorant people alive. I'm sure you will not succeed as a journalist. I'm certain that you will become a slob that lives off of welfare and donations. I wish you good luck because your type of people need it the most.
Anonymous

sure it's humour, but humour like this is the humour suicides are made of. hopefully your own.
Schaap

Yeah, well I'm rubber and you're glue.


AND FINALLY, THE FEEDBACK THAT BEST SUMS UP A YEAR OF ME:

Ass.
Janine

See new Points in Case posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Take comedy writing classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.