>>> The News: JAY KAY!
By staff writer Amir Blumenfeld
November 24, 2004

The real news (for boring people)
The breakdown (for college people)

Exploding Cell Phones a Growing Problem

WASHINGTON – Curtis Sathre said it was like a bomb going off. His 13-year-old son Michael stood stunned, ears ringing, hand gushing blood after his cell phone exploded. Safety officials have received 83 reports of cell phones exploding or catching fire in the past two years, usually because of bad batteries or chargers.

At least he wasn't talking to somebody when it happened. “Hey dude, we're gonna go to the mall today—*BANG*—can you hold on? My brain is on fire.”

Burns to the face, neck, leg and hip are among the dozens of injury reports the Consumer Product Safety Commission has received. The agency is providing tips for cell phone users to avoid such accidents and has stepped up oversight of the wireless industry. There have been three voluntary battery recalls, and the CPSC is working with companies to create better battery standards.

Tip #1: When your cell phone explodes, make sure its buried four feet deep in a hole under your backyard so as to minimize injury to humans, and maximize injury to gophers. Stinky, stinky gophers.

“CPSC is receiving more and more reports of incidents involving cell phones, and we're very concerned of the potential for more serious injuries or more fires,” said agency spokesman Scott Wolfson.

Really, 'cause you don't sound very concerned. Also, you're playing foosball. Also, you're holding a grenade shaped cell phone. Kinda cheap humor if you ask me.

U.S. phone makers and carriers say most fires and explosions are caused by counterfeit batteries and note that in a country with some 170 million cell phone users, the number of accidents is extremely low.

What's next?! Tobacco companies saying that the risk of EXPLODING CIGARETTES IS REALLY LOW?! PUHLEEEEZZ.

“Is it a problem? It has turned up, you bet. But statistically it is extraordinarily rare,” said John Walls, spokesman for the Cellular Telecommunications & Internet Association. “But the fact that it has happened certainly has the industry's attention.”

“But we really wont give a shit unless it happens to a couple more thousand kids. let's be honest. Wanna go play N64?”

Some consumer advocates say the cause goes beyond bad batteries making their way to the market. They point to the increasing pressure on battery and phone makers to fit more capabilities into small instruments.

Are they talking about the new Kyocera picture phone, fax machine and blender cell phone? *Making smoothie*

“If you're cramming more and more power in a small space, what you're making is a small bomb,” said Carl Hilliard, president of the California-based Wireless Consumers Alliance, which has been tracking incidents of cell phone fires and explosions.

“I'm sorry, are we talking about creating small bombs? Because that's what I thought this interview was about,” said Hilliard, co-author of The Anarchist's Cookbook.

The CPSC is trying to determine if improved venting is enough by itself to ensure safety. “We have seen temperatures as high as 600 degrees, and you can have a torch-like effect if these batteries don't function properly,” Wolfson said.

SIX HUNDRED DEGREES?!! So right before the cell phones explode, you are telling me that the phone itself is hotter then the bright orange steel wires that heat up an oven? I would think that would be a proper warning sign: if your cell phone feels like a condensed piece of icy hot magma, it may explode.

The commission has announced three battery recalls since January, one from Verizon Wireless and two from Kyocera Wireless Corp. Kyocera's first recall was blamed on a supplier whose standards had slipped. The other recalls were attributed to suppliers bringing counterfeits into distribution chains.

SUUURE, BLAAAME it on the Jews. Not this particular incident but like, it happens a lot, you gotta admit.

Kyocera, which recalled 1 million batteries last month, said it has changed vendors and doubled efforts to test its own batteries.

So you're saying that there are some BOMBS out there that randomly have the capability of making some phone calls? …Asked a confused reporter.

Hoping to address problems that may lie beyond their supply lines, members of the wireless industry began collaborating last week with the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE), a standard-setting organization, to create voluntary design and performance standards for all batteries.

Though they prefer to be called by their official name, the “NERD PATROL.”

“There needs to be high-quality batteries for these cell phones. You have a lot of power in a very small product, so it's really key,” said Wolfson of the CPSC, which is participating in the meetings between wireless industry members and IEEE.

The acronym was given when one of them sat on a thumbtack and let out a shrieking “IEEEEEEEE!!!”

Angela Karasek, a 21-year-old paralegal in Philadelphia, bought her Motorola phone and battery together from a Nextel store. She awoke one night a few weeks ago to what she described as a pinging sound and then saw fire. Her cell phone battery had blown out, igniting a doll about three feet away. She ran to her parents' room for help, and her father quickly put out the fire.

Wait a minute, you're telling me ANGELA, AGE 21, STILL LIVES WITH HER PARENTS! AND HAS A DOLL IN HER ROOM?! AHHAHAHAHA. I think that's the only time her “cell phone's been blowing up” 'cause nobody's calling THIS NERD!! HAHAHA. Aha. Ha. Seriously though, Angela…call me, I'm so fucking lonely.

“I'm just a light sleeper, and for some reason I sat up and saw all the flames on the doll,” Karasek said.

Because most heavy sleepers usually nap through explosions and flames.

Marcelino Gonzalez of Brentwood, N.Y., said he suffered second-degree burns after his Kyocera phone exploded in his hand as he turned it on to make a call.

Guess how old Gonzalez is. I bet you're guessing like 20-30 or so.

“If it was to my face it would have blown up in my face,” said Gonzalez, 62, who has contacted a lawyer.

NOPE! 62! Bam! Yeah, I was surprised as hell too. *The reader just looking confused*

Michael Sathre, who is expected to fully recover from his wounds, was picking his fully charged Verizon LG cell phone off the floor when it exploded by his side. The family chose not to sue and has instead allowed the companies involved and a consumer group to come to their house to study the damage, in the hopes it won't happen to someone else.

I think this story has been blown way out of proportion. *Drum roll* BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS! These new cell phones are THE BOMB! *Drum roll* I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

“It took my son two months to decide to even be near a cell phone,” said his mother, Cris. “But he needs one.”

Hahaha, ahh yes. The infamous, completely unnecessary quote to end it on. Now we know that “Michael Sathre” didn't want to use a cell phone ever again, but current conditions necessitate him to have one. And the article is complete. LADDY fucking dah.