>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 32 – May 18, 2003

Now Playing: “It's Only Love” by Heather Nova

Sometimes people notice continuity errors in this column. That's because I'm usually pretty drunk when I write them, and even I wouldn't read through this crap again. I mean, let's face it, this is a pretty long and dry read. So if you were planning on emailing to comment on something I've said that contradicts something else I've said, don't bother, because my attention span is so short I probably am not even going to make it to the end of this sente

-Quote of the Moment: You know how sometimes you see people with a muscle car that they've souped up with spoilers and tinted windows and “subwoofers” and “tweeters” so that they play bass notes so loud that you hear them coming from around the block and you wonder how come they're not deaf and how any sort of life form can survive inside there? Well, I met one of these muscle car guys and I asked him what kind of car it was, and he answered: “It's about 4:30”.

-Have you ever been to a barbeque or a party and didn't know anyone, so you sat around awkwardly twiddling your thumbs while everyone else mingled and got drunk? Well, I was at a party where I knew everyone, and yet still nobody would talk to me. Apparently, they were afraid they would say something silly and then I'd call them stupid in my newsletter. God, they're stupid. And ugly.

-I don't cook, so I go out to eat a lot. I went to a restaurant with a few of my friends, and they thought it would be ‘cute' to ‘spice up' the evening by putting hot sauce in my beer while I wasn't looking. Well, after a friendly ‘kick in the ribs' the antics rapidly degenerated. We were throwing napkins around and pouring sugar all over the table like a bunch of seven-year olds fresh out of Ridalin. I think I got the last laugh, though. I'm not sorry at all that I put rat poison in there iced tea. They took away my beer and now Jesus has taken away their worthless lives. May God have mercy on their souls because I sure won't.

-Have you ever thought about where common phrases come from? One of my favorites is “the proof is in the pudding”. Where did this originate? I imagine there some detective, back in the day, possibly Sherlock Holmes, that was sifting for clues in a high-profile murder case but was getting nowhere. Sherlock was just about to give up when his assistant, Tonto, asked “Did you check the pudding?” And, lo and behold, they did. And it was delicious. I guess, when I think about it, that phrase isn't all that common anyhow.

-It amazes me to no end that people still pick up at bars. Not that I've put it to the test, but if I went up to a group of hot girls and told them to come back to my hotel room so they could ‘party it up with a bunch of friends', I don't think the girls would be jumping into the next cab with me. Maybe those guys who achieve that level of success have something I don't, like good looks or roofies.

-Either my standards are getting higher or people are getting uglier, but there's no way it can be both, and either way I'm not getting any.

-The long job hunt is finally over. I started working full-time again, this time in a brick-free environment. It's at a picture framing studio. Sure, the hours are long and the pay makes those lazy sweatshop kids point and laugh, but I now have enough “Don't blame me, I was framed” jokes to get this newsletter through the summer. Brace yourselves.

-Food for Thought, Part 18 1/2: Whenever someone starts cringing and says “My foot's falling asleep”, what they really mean is “My foot is waking up”. Tell them that the next time it happens, and watch for their overjoyed expression as they hobble around the room chasing you with a blunt instrument. Nobody respects a logical thinker.

-And, finally, we went to the movie theater the other day and decided that, since they never check, we would just save money by buying a child's admission. It's not that we could pass for under 12 (unless they only looked at our level of maturity), but there's really no low we wouldn't stoop to in order to save $2.50. Our plan actually worked, and we got in without event. Thing is, the movie was rated ‘R', so even if we were actually children we shouldn't have been allowed in. Now there's a whiff of irony that would make Alanis soil herself with jealousy.

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