>>> Text-Heavy
By staff writer E.E. Southerby
Volume 57 – November 9, 2003

Now Playing: “Slow” by Kylie Minogue

This is kind of embarrassing for me, really. I had finished writing this week's article on the subject of awkward situations that I've somehow gotten myself into solely by virtue of being me. Then I went away for the weekend for a fun and/or exciting trip to Whistler (Official Motto: “You'll Never Want To Leave Unless You Run Out Of Money”). So I couldn't send this week's newsletter out on time. Of course, I was told that if I explained this in the introduction then nobody would believe me, and it would be really awkward because all my readers would think I'm a liar. How ironic. Here's what happened:

-A really weird thing happened to me a few days ago: I had a substitute teacher. The last time I had one of those must have been tenth grade. Usually, if the teacher's away, class is just cancelled. So it turns out I've forgotten how to behave around a substitute teacher. I kept making paper airplanes and passing MASH notes around the class. I think I might have gotten a detention.

-Off-Topic Corner Resurrected: Why do eggs have expiry dates? I have a dozen that are dated September 9th. Are they going to hatch?

-I was at Wal-Mart and there was a guy at the front door who was selling Remembrance Day Poppies. I paid a dollar and took one, pinned it to my chest, and before I had finished shopping I had already lost it. So I found myself in this really uncomfortable situation: I didn't want to go make another donation, since I had already given more than my fair share. I also didn't want to go and steal a poppy or beg for a free one. It ruined my whole day. Stupid war veterans.

-Professors are always whining that nobody ever comes to see them during their office hours. So I felt really bad for a prof and actually went to their office. That's when I realized WHY nobody ever goes to visit profs: They're assholes. I'm sitting there trying to make pleasant conversation and he just keeps staring at me and making me feel like crap. It was like every first date I've ever been on. I don't need this kind of pressure.

-Quote of the Moment: Against all common sense, I went and visited a professor during his office hours. I could sense he was trying to get rid of me, so I asked him if he had another appointment. He said: “No, but the sooner you get out of here the sooner I can hit the bar.” Prof, if you're reading this, you know who you are. I took an extra Werther's Original from your candy jar. I'm not even a little bit sorry.

-I was on the bus and this girl sat down beside me. So obviously I turned my head to see what she looked like. Just as I did, she caught me staring at her and we both turned away from each other. The rest of the bus ride was like a game of ‘Red Light – Green Light', where every time one of us would look away the other would turn to stare. I think she likes me. Most people would be put off by the restraining order. I call those people ‘quitters'.

-Ever go to a restaurant with a friend and you sit down and open your menus and then your friend says, nonchalantly: “I'm not really hungry”? Why the hell did we go to a restaurant, then? How stupid are you? And then you have to pretend you're not hungry either, and you say some total lie like: “It's ok. I was just going to have a salad.” so you're not faced with the trauma of having a friend sit there and watch you eat, say, spaghetti. Because you just KNOW you'd get it all over yourself. I say, if you're going to a restaurant with someone, you both have to order the exact same thing. That way it's not like playing Russian Roulette with food.

-More Off-Topic Corner: Why are the bailiffs on all television court shows African-American? Are they just trying to copy ‘Night Court'?

-If there's one thing worse than seeing somebody you know and not remembering their name or how you know them, it's seeing somebody you think you know and mistaking them for someone else. I'm always saying things like: “Hey, Frank. Are you going home to Vancouver for the weekend?” and they'll answer: “My name's not Frank. It's Jessica. And I don't live in Vancouver. And didn't I already get a restraining order on you?”

-And, finally, I just wanted to let you all in on this great email I received today. It's from this woman named ‘Cynthia' and she promises to add ‘Up to 3 inches to my penis'. So I emailed her back asking ‘Why would I want a 14-inch penis?' Then I accidentally cc'd my mom. It's been a long week.