>>> About Last Night…
By staff writer Ali Wisch
June 29, 2005


It's summer and everyone is on vacation, or as they say here, “taking a holiday.” Simply the idea of a vacation implies fun and good times to be had by all. Unless you are me and have less money than a street corner hooker.

The position I am in is nobody's fault but my own. I chose to live in Barcelona for the summer on a whim and came with the little money I could earn waitressing in the month before I left; only to have the rest stolen from me while I was ass naked in the ocean the other night. Let me clarify: I was skinny dipping at sunrise with a gorgeous boy from Ireland (he had the accent and everything) only to arrive back on shore to find my bag MIA. And when I say missing-in-action I'm not fucking around. The lucky thief that robbed me blind took my credit card, ran around the city, and bought everything but a Mercedes in under three hours. Luckily I have insurance and was in the presence of the most upstanding of gentleman (also my late night swimming partner), who all but missed his flight home (oh wait…he did) to help me out.

“If you have a strong lighter and can find some drift wood, consider a bonfire. Bonfires are free, and usually attract people with alcohol.”

While most people would fall into the depths of despair after having hundreds of dollars, and their favorite pair of sunglasses stolen, I can't look back with regret because one, I met an awesome guy; two, I'm somewhat of an optimist; and three, skinny dipping is a sweet time. For those of you who have not yet had the thrill of getting naked and running into the ocean, you are missing out. Not only is it liberating, but add a little bit of alcohol and it can turn a boring night into one of the best of your life. Come to think of it…adding a little bit (or a lot) of alcohol can turn any average night into some sort of adventure. So here's a little guide to having fun on holiday alone (or with a partner who you met wasted on a pub-crawl) when you are so broke you would consider selling drugs and spending the rest of your life in the basement of a Spanish prison to get a bed to sleep in.

1. Buy really cheap wine. For some reason, the cheaper the wine, the drunker you get. Being drunk = fun. Some of my fellow travelers may be thinking, “Sure, cheap wine sounds great, but I don't have enough money to pay for somewhere to sleep tonight, let alone a couple of drinks.” First of all, let me say that being drunk and sleeping in a train station is a lot more comfortable than going at it sober. Secondly, if you spend the day going on a “treasure hunt” for coins on the sidewalk, or if you're anything like my guy friends from back home—stealing them from beggars with amputated limbs—you can collect enough money to buy your two dollar bottle from the local market.

2. Make friends with a pothead. They are friendly, generally laid back, and most importantly, they have pot. Meeting people on vacation who have pot is good—meeting people who have pot on vacation and no one to smoke it with is great. This kind of fun can range in intensity so I'll leave it up to you and your new friend with pot to decide what to do next.

3. Have sex on the beach. The drink or the act. Both are guaranteed enjoyment. If you don't want to do either of these things and you would rather just chill on the beach that's cool too. If you have a strong lighter and can find some drift wood, consider a bonfire. Bonfires are free, and usually attract people with alcohol, some of which you can usually get your hands on. Which leads me to number four…

4. Mooch. Everyone knows a mooch, and no one wants to be that person, but everyone deserves their turn at it. The art of the mooch is swift and clever. Good things to try to mooch include: alcohol, cigarettes, food (bites of food), drinks (sips of drinks), drugs (as long as your don't use force to get them, steal them, or sell them you should be good to go), and places to stay. Mooching is a little worse than borrowing and not quite as bad as stealing, so do so at your own free will.

Having fun at a cheap price is always a good time. Making friends who are in a similar position to you is recommended (especially if it is on top of you), and next time you get naked and jump in the ocean, leave your valuables at home.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.