For those of you who don’t read the news, here’s what John McCain said to Major League Baseball Player’s Union Head, Donald Fehr, regarding baseball’s steroid policy:

“We're at the end here, and I don't want to do it, but we need an agreement soon. It's not complicated. It's not complicated. All sports fans understand it. I suggest you act and you act soon.”

Fehr promised to clean up baseball and set a date for the implementation of a stricter anti-steroid policy all to please the American people and its representatives in government. I think this was a very diplomatic move on Fehr’s part. Myself, well, I would have responded differently.

Here’s what I would have said:

“No, John, it’s not complicated at all. Now, here’s what is complicated: the IRS tax codes, excessive tax cuts for the rich, the Federal Reserve Act, the fact that you guys get a whole month of vacation and a lifetime of free health care while consistently voting down health care and vacation time for the American people, the war in Iraq, the war in Afghanistan, the fact that not one millionaire was killed during September 11th when more than one hundred of them worked in the World Trade Center, constant inflation, the fact that y’all can be bribed legally by simply changing the word briber to lobbyist, the fact that Exxon and Halliburton have both had record quarters despite the fact that both companies are allegedly regulated by the United States Government so that they don’t price gouge, the number of vacation days our President has taken in the last five years (more than I’ve taken in my life, by the way), the Reduction of Freedoms Act, er, I mean the Patriot Act, and the fact that, despite all the problems this country faces thanks to poverty, disease, destruction from natural disasters, terrorism, fear and ignorance, you’re taking time out of your vapid life to scold me about the importance of suspending drug using, multi-millionaires who play a kid’s game as if it were one of the most pressing matters in this country. See this, John, you self-righteous bastard? This is my middle finger. Sit on it and spin, you pompous fuck.

“Oh, and I’ll tell you what, once you fuckers figure out why Exxon put up a 10 billion dollar fiscal quarter—the most money any company has ever made in a quarter in economic history—while I’m paying three bucks a gallon at the pump and then actually give back the money that those rich, big-wigs have stolen from the hardworking American people, I’m not only gonna look the other way about steroids. I’m gonna personally inject Ichiro Suzuki with Balco Lab’s finest products until he’s the size of a sumo wrestler, then I’m gonna instruct him to hit balls off a tee and aim them at your gardener, your maids, and everyone else you under-pay, you two-faced son of a bitch.

“In conclusion, you lilly white, lying, fuck stick, I suggest you act and you act soon.


But that’s just me. I’m usually wrong.

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Scott Dikkers (The Onion)

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