I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but mo money mo problems, know what I mean? Anyway, I’m writing to tell you that as your Creator, I owe you an explanation.

I know that a lot of terrible things have happened to make you question your faith in me. Trust me: that’s normal. I didn’t create you so that you would be unable to ask questions, know what I mean? Also, with all the progress science has been making, and the success it has been enjoying explaining my Creation, I felt the need remind you who made it all happen. I mean, render unto Caesar…know what I’m saying?

OK, let’s face facts. A lot of messed-up stuff has been going on lately. There was that guy Josef Fritzl, who kept his daughter Elisabeth locked in a cellar for 24 years while he raped and sodomized her nightly in front of the children he had already produced. I would be feigning modesty if I didn’t tell you that she prayed to me every night. I mean, shit, she was praying to me on the hour, most days. It wasn’t that I didn’t hear her. But as those of you who believe in my Creation know, there is a purpose behind everything, and trust me: she will be one happy camper when she gets to heaven. For those of you who feel sorry for her, don’t: this was all meant to happen, and I will compensate her—generously, I might add—for her misfortunes once she is dead.

There was this other guy, Hitler, who also did a lot of messed-up things. A lot of people even questioned their faith in me as a result of the bad things he did. But trust me: I know it doesn’t make sense now, but all this had to happen for a reason. I can’t tell you why, but I needed Hitler to commit race-murder and various other things in order for my plan to all make sense. I know it doesn’t make sense now, but remember: you haven’t gotten to the end yet.

I know it looks weird that in my Creation there was life for about 4 billion years before I finally made something in my own image, and that I let humans suffer in ignorance of me for another 98,000 years before I finally announced myself with a bloody human sacrifice in Bronze-age Palestine, and that news of this act didn’t reach most of the world until a few-hundred years ago. I know it looks a little screwy. But there was no mistake. All of this occurred precisely how I wanted it to happen. Don’t ask too many questions, because it will all make sense when you get to the end. This isn’t an episode of Law & Order you can just turn off halfway through because you know the guy is guilty. No: in my Creation, there are many more plot turns and intricacies.

And when you do get to the end, pause it and spark one up, because this twist will blow your frickin' mind!