It's 4 am, and as is not uncommon, I'm unable to sleep because their is a loud, belligerent pity party being thrown in my “pad.” My pad being my brain. Frat boy response: Please, you should start wearing a pad, woman-person. Once again the thoughts on my mind are girls, acceptance, and why the aforementioned two bother me so much.

It is a common theme on PIC. How to get laid. Unfortunately those articles do less to actually improve the predicament than they do to remind those who aren't that other people are… enough so to have it nailed down to a process. We shall call these two groups Winners and Losers. Lately I've come more and more to actually see the world in this way, mainly because I live in an apartment with 5 other guys, and you can practically see the line drawn. The fact that this matter is even on my mental palette should tell you which group i regretfully mark myself in. The Winners don't have to worry about these things. But let me paint a more muddled, expressionist picture.

So I don't consider myself a loser. There's actually a lot of things I love about myself… in fact many have been able to note that I'm a narcissist. But my morning re-Flex-tion sessions just don't hold up against the drunk girl hook-up test. Thus, my once inflated confidence has lost some of its air, and now lingers on the floor, rolling with errant wind currents from the AC. In short, I'm maturing and trading in a shallow defense mechanism for more honest take on my predicament. As always, humor cradles the blow, my new favorite joke is “I'm starting to look like my Dad.” Which, to borrow a really overused phrase, “is funny because it's true.”

So to have some half-hearted closure in the matter, here's where I go wrong.

FIRST OFF- This blog, c'mon, women like confidence. Unfortunately I'm a writer. I'm a thinker, naturally curious about things. You can't be curious and certain at the same time. I'm a libra (amazing how those things actually apply sometimes.) The winners, both in my apartment and elsewhere, don't really question what they're doing. They just ARE.

If I'm lucky, I can maybe pull off a ‘Listen Women, yeah I seem whiny and insecure, but that's just how I am, and I'm not going to change just so I can wake up with regrets of giving you the best sex you've ever had.' power trip that paradoxically brings them in hoardes. *sits and waits*

I'M ARROGANT- I'm fucking smart. No joke. I was so used to being academically right when I grew up that it seeped into other areas. A lot of times I just don't like people and refuse to “play ball” so to speak. People generally don't respond well when you mock their: voice, opinions, dress, likes, or attempts to reach out to you.

I'M FUNNY- Leave it to me to have the probably the first thing uttered from a girl's lips as a desirable male trait to work against me. Yes, I'm referring to sense of humor. I love comedy… too much. I'd rather be funny than liked… which is odd because I once considered the two synonymous.

My kind of humor isn't the social kind. Well it starts out that way, but you're supposed to drop the act at some point to let them know you're a real person. I don't know if its me acting out against society because of my own feelings of inadequacy or mere gleeful exploration of what I consider the finest art, but I always take the joke too far.

Exposing your neuroses = no weiner play.

I'M BORED- I can be a real anti-conformist sometimes. If people display an ounce of unoriginality, I write them off and start working my beautiful ironic sabotage. So when GIRL starts to act normal, I hold this against her, which she in turn does not appreciate.

I'M HONEST- I'm honest not only in the “Yeah, this scar is from wrestling a lion” sense but also to myself. I think every guy knows that “how” to get laid, it's just a matter of where he draws the line. My line is somewhere after “dance in my underwear” but before “feigning interest.”

I'M LOUD- And don't forget boisterous. I always in awe when I FINALLY notice “the signs” that some girl is attracted to one of the winners rather than me. He barely said three words the entire night. Sometimes it's all about subtlety. Others it's merely not saying what she doesn't want to hear. Sometimes I wish I could just be boring.

I'M OBLIVIOUS- When you factor in the beer, my penchant for self-centeredness, and all the concentration devoted to making a great joke, it can be easy to lose sight of your surroundings. That whole system of body language eludes me. Hell even regular language is out of my grasp sometimes. Irony, feigning disinterest, just being nice: all throw me off. I really would like to take a crash course in all this. It intrigues me to the point of nerd-dom.

The worst however is when girls find my attempts so laughable that I become a gag for their enjoyment. Please tell me this happens to someone else. I'm honestly offended that some girls find me so pathetic and transparent, and yet I think the same thing every time I see some guy wearing a striped button down.

I'M SHORT- This one is a cop out.

I'M ON TO SOMETHING- A lot of times it seems that these behaviors arise because I know that I'm not a meaningless fling kind of guy. Do I sabotage my chances in order to save myself for the one who will be truly fulfilling? Could be. Even the winners have admitted to me that one night stands aren't really that satisfying in the long run. How is it then that I could have it so right and so wrong at the same time? Being above all that yet still feeling it's weight on me and the decisions I make.

It's amazing to me to watch these traits in action, almost immediately turning people off. Yet, on more than one occasion they pull a 180 when they finally “get” me. The end result is either A. I was only really interested in “hooking” them OR
B. An almost perfect relationship with great sex that I ruin because that one person still can't qualm the overwhelming feeling that I need to impress and be liked by more people.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't get laid because it's not what I'm really after… no matter how much I think it is.

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