If today is your birthday: You're pretty much a loser for spending it reading this.


Capricorn (December 21-January 20): Fate apologizes for the delay in horoscopes, but the stars were moving to a new server, with more space, and more problems involving complicated technical terms.

Aquarius (January 21-February 19): Here's an old adage that you should keep in mind this week: “I cried, because I had no shoes. Until I saw a very weak, rich old man who had lots of shoes. Now I have shoes AND an impending court date.”

Pisces (February 20-March 20): For the last time, the expression is “Have your cake and eat it too”. Cake. Not cousin. That's just creepy.

Aeries (March 21-April 20): You will finish a disappointing third in next months National Beard and Mustache championships, a disappointment only partially allayed by the fact that you didn't enter and are a woman.

Taurus (April 21-May 21): Stephen A. Smith is a douchebag.

Gemini (May 22-June 21): I see a low-rent Onion homage in your future.

Cancer (June 22-July 21): As much as it amuses you, fondling strangers and telling them that they're getting “breast Cancer” is quite insensitive. Especially when you do it while administering a mammogram, Dr. Hilarious.

Leo (July 22-August 20): Your horoscope today comes courtesy of Ralph Wiggum: “When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.” Like Ralph, you will be faced with tough career decisions, brave Leo. Will you have the courage to chase your dreams? Or will you end up the metaphorical principal?

Virgo (August 21-September 20): Berries and cream! Berries and cream! Virgo loves berrrriess…and cream!

Libra (September 21-October 21): A misunderstanding of the phrase combined with your current romantic boredom will lead to your ill-fated decision to have a “sex change” operation.

Scorpio (October 22-November 20): The recent steroid controversy will lead you to hope that your once cartoonishly small testicles will finally become fashionable.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20): In baseball, when a player is hit by a pitch, he is awarded first base. As the events of next week will show you, however, there is no similar rule in archery.

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