Aloha, Angels (the hot one with fangs and the great ass from BUFFY, or the sexy sarcastic one from SUPERNATURAL that clearly wants to play hide the halo with Jared Padelecki, take your pick).
It occurred to me the other day, when I had to attend a university function in a chapel (this marking the first occasion I had set foot in a religious institution since leaving school) that the original Ten Commandments were written 2000 years ago. As I sat there in the Uni chapel quietly smouldering and trying to distract myself from the stinging sensation in my hand after dipping it in the Holy Water, I thought that a list of rules made two millenia ago isn't going to cut much mustard in a world that remakes films from the Nineties as "Classics", and that if God indeed is up there, he/she/they or it might like the rules to be updated somewhat. So I took the liberty. Hey, it worked for Dan Brown!
The Ten Commandments, Version 2.0
I. I AM A JEALOUS, VENGEFUL, ANGRY GOD WHO LOVES YOU ALL LIKE THE SPECIAL FLOWER YOU ARE.
-Have you ever read the Bible? I'm a moody bitch in the old Testament—smiting people for just looking at me funny, testing people's faith by tricking them into almost killing their children and sending folks a shitload of excess water before I'd even thought of inventing Michael Phelps; then suddenly the New Testament comes along and I'm everybody's favourite hippie grandpa, talking about peace and unity and rainbows and choirs of rosy-cheeked cherubs. I'd say I'm bipolar, but there's three of me in here. Tripolar?! It's almost like a bunch of completely different people who had no contact with each other wrote my story over a period of several centuries!
II. THOU SHALT GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY SOME MORE ATTRACTIVE OFFSPRING.
-New parents? Your newborn baby is not cute. It looks like a monkey, only purple, and monkeys have more self-awareness when they are born. Also, it screams and vomits at you and makes you handle its poop, and you come back for more. Nine months was just my Serving Suggestion, dig? Maybe you should keep the brat cooking in there for another couple. Y'know, elephants gestate for 12 months, and their baby doesn't come out all screaming and purple and shit. I'm just sayin'.
III. KNOW YE NOW THAT YOUR CAT LOVEST THEE NOT:
-The cunning little bastard is just using you for the free food and shelter. And if it's really lucky, it'll get to eat your corpse when you die.
IV. TRULY, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE FISH:
-Creationists love the Jesus Fish they put on their car bumpers, but abhor the Mud-Skipper. Christians eat fish on Fridays, because apparently fish aren't meat. WTF, monkey-people? Unless you're getting your Friday Fry-Up out of a Tuna Tree and the fucking things grow roots instead of maggots when you leave them in your backyard, then you're eating meat. And don't give me this "Vegaquarian" bullshit, or I'm going RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK on your ass.
V. HELL EXISTETH NOT, ALTHOUGH IT CERTAINLY SEEMS LIKE IT DOWN AT YOUR LOCAL CINEPLEX:
– I'm afraid that verily, the Hollywood Remakes and TV-Shows-To-Movies will continue inexorably. Did you know there's a sequel to THE WHOLE NINE YARDS? Or that someone's planning on turning the boardgame BATTLESHIP into a movie? I mean, Jesus. Oh and yes, Nicholas Cage was sent unto you as a punishment. Sorry.
VI. YOUR GOD LOVES YOU AND THUS HATH MADETH SURE THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE TRULY ALONE:
-You have hundreds of harmless (but busy) follicle mites living in your eyebrows, eyelashes and forehead, that all came from a Mother Colony located around your nipples. You and your partner exchange numerous colony members every time you have sex. Think of this whenever you say you live in a "Bug-Free Home". You're welcome!
VII. FRED PHELPS DOES NOT SPEAKEST FOR ME:
-That mammerjammer is fucking crazy. And mean with it too. Like, I thought televangelists were full of some literal holy shit at the best of times, but picketing the funerals of Gay people? Wheew, that's some hardcore bigotry right there. Y'all know I'm just keeping Phelps around so that I can savour the look on his face when I call his hateful ass home and he realizes he's on the Down Escalator instead of the Up One, right?
VIII. THOU SHALT NOT KILL… EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE ON IMDB LOOKING UP REVIEWS FOR A FILM YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE AND SOME FUCKING TWELVE YEAR OLD BINT IN LEEDS HAS POSTED UP THE AWESOME TWIST TO THE FILM YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GUESSED IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS IN THE FUCKING SUBJECT HEADING OF HER FUCKING ENTRY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE; OH GREAT, I DON'T HAVE TO SEE ‘THE ORPHAN' NOW, YOU LITTLE PLOTBLOCKER, THANKS A WHOLE CUNTING BUNCH!
IX. THOU SHALT NOT COVET ORLANDO BLOOM'S ASS UNLESS HE IS IN ELF DRAG:
-Seriously, Legolas in LOTR? Sex on a swizzle stick. Every other film Bloom's been in, he can't act his way out of a wet paper sack and looks like he's been sleeping in the bins behind the catering trailer.
X. STOP BLAMING THE JEWS:
-Again, have any of you looney-toons me-bothering people actually read the fucking good book? You know, the one you're always quoting that's supposed to be written by and starring me? The Jews didn't kill Jesus, okay? The Romans did it. My Jesus was a nice Jewish boy, you meshuggah putzes!