I always thought that if I went to prison, my best chance at gaining respect would be stand-up comedy. Make people laugh and they can't help but like you, right? Then I started thinking, hmmm, prison…. tough crowd.

Do you think ALL rappers believe in god? Or is it just something they pretend so as not to alienate their audience? And yes, I realize both of those assumptions sound ridiculous/true.

Stack of books next to an Amazon KindleI'm going to admit something that may seem far-fetched: I hate reading books. Not the reading part, the books part. I hate the way paper feels. I hate turning pages. I hate having to hold a book open. And I hate the thickness of books. Do I sound like the perfect candidate for a Kindle? I hope so, otherwise I feel a lot worse for millions of people BESIDES me who dropped $139 for one. Do I sound lazy? Fuck you, it's called "relaxed."

I want to attribute a name to the phenomenon of coincidence between two different mediums—like when you're talking about something and then you look at it on something else. For instance, while making a sandwich with cold deli turkey, I glanced at a magazine ad to "Quit Smoking Cold Turkey." Another time I was cropping a picture of a broken boner in Photoshop for a comedy article, and on the TV in the background, a golf commentator said, "Did you see that shot? He almost broke the shaft!" Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

I also want to assign a name to the randomly dispersed pile (or more likely, general mess) of clothes on the floor post-sex. "Patch of shame"? "Piledriver"? "Stuff we used to block people from having sex with us but didn't do the job"? And why is it that the only thing the two of you can never find is her bra? I think bras are intentionally designed to camoflauge with everything else in a bedroom to encourage cuddling, aka postplay.

Why are successful basketball shots officially called "field goals," yet nobody ever refers to them that way in regular conversation? You don't see people on the sidelines of a football field saying, "Congrats on that 3-pointer, bro, with a leg like that you should be kicking in the NFL!"

I was looking at a graph of laptop vs. personal computer sales over the years, including projected sales into 2015, and the first thing I did after starting to analyze the graph was glance at the bottom right of my laptop to see what year it is currently. If that doesn't tell you I've put things in perspective, you should visit my planetarium.

And finally, the power of Christ compels me to make the following short list:

  1. Stop running into the elevator and clicking "door close" when other people are waiting to get in too.
  2. Apologize for telling on that one girl who became a nun (I think she's on Facebook now).
  3. Start peeing on the wall of the church instead of the door handles on weekends.