Random Mom: You are my favorite umpire. You are so good with the boys.
Me: Thanks. They're usually good kids.
Random Mom: Do you ever baby-sit?
Me: No. No I don't.
Random Mom: Do you ever mommy-sit?
Me: Umm?
Random Mom: I'm just teasing. I'm married.
Me: Ahh?
Random Mom: But it'd still be nice to know if you would?
Me: Oh, I would.
Random Mom: Thanks so much.
Me: I didn't do anything.
Random Mom: Yes you did.

Dave: I think it's bullshit that the Patriots keep running up the score.
Me: I think it's bullshit that I can't find decent frozen yogurt in this town.
Dave: Queer.

Dave: Seriously, bro. Running up the score is wrong.
Me: No it isn't.
Dave: What?
Me: Dude, you live in a world where people are dying in a stupid war that can't be stopped because it was started, where the corrupt government literally defines the economy and where millionaires can get away with murder and you're bitching about a dude scoring too many points in a football game? I don't think you really know what ‘wrong' means.
Dave: You from Boston or something?
Me: Fuck no. I hate the Patriots.
Dave: Then just agree with me, asshole? getting all philosophical and shit.

Me: Fine then, let's look at it like this: which is worse, running up the score in a football game or gambling on a football game?
Dave: Gambling. It's illegal.
Me: Well, I gamble all the time on football and many times I pick the Patriots because they run up the score, so technically, what I'm doing is more wrong than what the Patriots do, right?
Dave: Yeah.
Me: So how wrong is gambling?
Dave: Not very.
Me: And how wrong is running up the score?
Dave: I guess, even less so.
Me: So therefore, running up the score in a football game is a stupid thing to worry about.
Dave: Whatever, dude. Fuck Belichick.

Random Coach: These kids really like you. You know why?
Me: No. Why?
Random Coach: Because you don't talk down to them. When you get older and have kids, you'll learn that you should not talk down to them if you want them to like you. But I guess that's the kind of thing only a parent could learn.
Me: Yeah, irony is stupid.
Random Coach: Huh?

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