Amy: I like you better when you’re with your mom.
Me: Why?
Amy: Because you have to be polite and you have to let people take pictures of you. So, because of your mom, I get pictures and a polite boyfriend.
Me: She leaves tomorrow. Don’t get used to it.
Amy: Forget that. I’m milking this shit.

Bobby: Why you going to New York?
Me: Every now and again, I get the urge to kill someone and eat a great slice of pizza in the same day.
Bobby: Huh?
Me: A friend of mine is getting married.
Bobby: So you’re gonna kill someone?
Me: No, Bobby. I promise I won’t kill anyone in New York.
Bobby: I don’t know. Best watch making promises you can’t keep.
Me: Are you even listening to me, or are you like, having your own conversation?
Bobby: Yeah well, enjoy the pizza.

Amy: Yay, it’s Wednesday.
Me: What’s so great about Wednesday?
Amy: You post snippets on Wednesday.
Me: This relationship is weird.

Me: I finished the snippet part of my new book.
Pizza Dude: That’s great, hoss.
Me: I think it’s gonna be really good. I can’t wait to finish it.
Pizza Dude: Like I said, cool.
Me: I think this could be really funny.
Pizza Dude: Are you gonna order anything or what?

Amy: I start my period, Friday.
Me: That’s perfect. I leave for New York on Friday.
Amy: That’s great, babe.

Bobby: I guess you better be getting home to your woman.
Me: Nope. I’m staying here.
Bobby: What? Is she out of town or something?
Me: Nope. She lost her phone again.
Bobby: Look how he smiles when he says that.
Reggie: He be like, ‘my girl can’t find me so she can’t complain about me not answering the phone so I can stay out drinking as long as I want.’
Bobby: Most men would be worried about not being able to get in touch with their women. You seem to like the idea.
Me: Something wrong with that?
Bobby: Yeah, you ain’t even thirty yet. Most men don’t figure that shit out ‘till they're forty five.
Reggie: You head of the class, Nate.
Me: Thanks, Reggie.

Me: So, who you gonna cheat on me with while I’m in New York?
Amy: Please. Like, I’m gonna trade one night of bad sex for a shitload of nights of awesome sex.
Me: That’s just you stroking my ego.
Amy: No babe, that’s me doing math.

Dad: So, I read that blog post about your girlfriend.
Me: Yeah.
Dad: It looks like you’re dealing with a classic case of female insecurity.
Me: Ahh.
Dad: I can help you with that if you like. But anyway, what do you think about the Cardinals this year?
Me: Seems like a strong team. I just wish we could solidify the outfield and maybe add a bat.
Dad: Me too, son. Me too.

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