Me: It pisses me off that you never invited me to your wedding.
Ryan: We had like four hundred people there, dude. It was tight.
Me: Still, I live in Tampa. It's not like I would have actually showed up at the thing.
Ryan: Then why would you want an invite?
Me: For the love, dude. For the love.
Ryan: Yeah… fuck the love.

Tyler: You know, I was a little pissed you didn't invite me to your wedding.
Ryan: Dude, you know how weddings are. It wasn't my wedding. It was for my wife and parents. I was just there.
Tyler: Was there an open bar?
Ryan: Hell yeah.
Tyler: Then I'm still pissed.

Jessica: You were so mysterious in high school.
Me: No I wasn't. You just didn't know me all that well. Your husband knows I wasn't mysterious.
Bill: Yeah, but to someone who doesn't know you, you probably seemed mysterious.
Me: Yeah, but everyone seems mysterious when you don't know them.
Bill: No. Some people seem boring from a distance, too.

Mikey: You seen Ryan?
Me: Yeah, I saw him Thursday.
Mikey: You know, that asshole didn't invite me to his wedding.
Me: You don't say.

Me: Dude, you didn't even recognize me.
Matt: You didn't recognize me.
Me: Yeah, well you didn't recognize me first.
Matt: Huh?

Matt: So you're in Tampa, huh? Ever hit any of the strip clubs down there near the stadium?
Me: Oh, once in a blue moon.
Scotty: So, blue moons happen every week down there in Tampa?
Me: Fuck you.

Me: How's your brother?
Mikey: Dead.
Me: And your parents?
Mikey: Grieving.
Me: And you?
Mikey: Drunk, Nate. Very drunk.

Jeff: You seen Ryan?
Me: Yeah, he's living out in Kirkwood now with his wife.
Jeff: I didn't know he got married.
Me: That's probably for the best. No one we know even went to the wedding.
Jeff: Well that's probably smart, especially if there was an open bar.


The Second City 10% off discount for comedy classes is back! Enter code "PIC" at checkout online for any multi-week or drop-in class.
Interested in earning a living in comedy? Scott Dikkers, founding editor of The Onion, created Comedy Business School to teach you how to do it.