Kris: This is my alligator, Teddy.
Me: Cute.
Kris: He's an American alligator. You're supposed to get licenses for them, but I don't really care.
Me: Well, I don't really think Teddy needs to be driving.
Kris: Huh?

Me: So what are you gonna do with Teddy when he gets really big?
Kris: That's the first question everyone asks me when they meet Teddy.
Me: But what's the answer?
Kris: I don't know.

Me: I mean, when he gets really big, you can't release him into the wild because he'll get his ass kicked and killed. And you can't really keep him around because his brain's the size of a peanut so he's impossible to train.
Kris: Yeah, well, I figure I can dig a nice pit for him, maybe put a cage over it. But my grandma won't let me do that to the backyard yet.
Me: Well, she won't be around forever.
Kris: That's kind of my thinking, too.

Kris: And these are my snakes, Isaiah and Magic. They're black rat snakes. Not very common in this area.
Me: Isaiah and Magic, huh? I never pegged you for a basketball fan.
Kris: I hate basketball.
Me: Then why the names?
Kris: ‘Cause man, the snakes are black. I was gonna name them OJ and Simpson but Dad said that was racist.
Me: Well, at least he set you straight.

Kris: That's a ten point buck I got last year.
Me: What's his name?
Kris: Dude, you don't name dead animals. You just mount them.
Me: Sounds freaky.

Kris: This is my tarantula, T-Money.
Me: T-Money?
Kris: Yeah, I won him in a poker game 'cause my friend T didn't have any money. I was gonna name him Full House, but T-Money has a nice ring to it. You know, since he's black and all.
Me: I see.

Kris: So, you want to watch my dogs try to catch my spider?
Me: Yes. Yes I do.
Kris: I spend hours watching this, sometimes.
Me: I don't doubt it, Kris. I don't doubt it at all.