Me: I’ll be there in five minutes.
Mike: Dude, no. I need ten.
Me: Well I’m already here.
Mike: You’re not meeting my aunt, fucker.

Mike: Man, I’m looking forward to blowing off some steam this weekend.
Me: Me too. No work, no second job and no book writing all weekend.
Mike: You’re writing a book?
Me: Yeah, it’s a book of snippets.
Mike: You better put me in that, fucker.

Mike: Man, I was so drunk last night. My fucking neck hurts.
Me: Well yeah. Court put you in a chokehold.
Mike: Yeah, why’d he do that? Hey fucker, why’d you put me in a chokehold?
Court: Can’t talk. Sleeping.
Me: Wait a minute. I remember. You poured beer in his ear.
Mike: Oh yeah. I totally deserved that chokehold.

Me: It was nice meeting you. And don’t worry. Your nephew behaved himself last night.
Mike’s Aunt: I don’t want to know so I’m not asking.
Me: She seems nice.
Court: You’re messed up, dude.

Court: We’re taking Ashley’s strip club virginity?
Me: Yeah.
Court: Wow. Most chicks don’t want to lose their virginity to two guys at the same time.
Ashley: Yeah, well that’s how I get down, Court.
Court: Nate, are all the women you know like this?
Ashley: He wishes.

Me: Ashley, you smacked me like twenty times at the strip club.
Ashley: Yeah, well you deserved forty. Consider yourself lucky, bitch.

Court: I’m so freaking wasted, I can’t talk.
Me: Yeah, I know. I just wrote the most incoherent thing I’ve ever posted.
Court: You just wrote what you write—goddamn! What did that even mean?

Court: I’m honestly so wasted from this four day buzz that like my mind is completely clear. I can’t think about anything.
Me: What’s that like?
Court: It’s soothing. I can hear the air conditioning unit and it’s… it’s soothing.
Me: Man, you stupid.

Me: Amy, that’s like the third time you almost got us killed. You’re the worst driver ever.
Court: It’s not driving that she sucks at; it’s stopping. She… she can’t use the breaks well.
Me: That’s a pretty big part of driving, though.
Court: True. I guess she really can’t drive.
Amy: Would you two shut up?

Me: You ready to go out, Court?
Amy: Wait a minute. We haven’t had sex in five days. I’m not taking you anywhere until I get laid.
Me: I need twenty minutes, Court.

Court: Dude, she is loud.
Me: You should hear her when she doesn’t tone it down.
Court: I don’t want to ever hear you having sex ever again.
Me: You know you loved it.
Court: No, I didn’t. I really fucking didn’t.

Me: I can’t believe no one puked the whole four days.
Amy: No, while you were at work, Court spent about two hours throwing up.
Me: Awesome. I’m glad someone did.
Amy: You’re weird, babe.

Amy: I have a hard time hanging around people who are asleep. It weirds me out because I feel like I’m around a dead body and I just don’t know what to do. It’s kind of morbid and strange; you know what I mean?
Court: Yeah, my girlfriend has issues, too.

Amy: I just don’t understand how he can sleep all day like that while he’s on vacation.
Me: Well, Court kind of went straight from college to owning his own company and creating his own hours, and so he pretty much sleeps all day and works at night.
Amy: You’re really jealous, aren’t you?
Me: Yes.