1. Not kissing first: Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour, and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
Kissing is for eighth graders. Seriously, it's all they blabber about. During our beautiful lovemaking, I don't want my sweetums to be imagining herself in eighth grade, unless we specifically agree beforehand. And even in that case, it wouldn't be right, because I would be a principal, or a friendly-but-creepy janitor with a heart of gold and a supply closet of mischief.
2. Blowing too hard in her ear: Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake.
I only do that to see if I can feel my breath on the other side.
3. Not shaving: You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion it's avoidance.
First of all, it's a fucking hedgehog. Secondly, Rodolpho is just as much a part of this family as you, and if he wants a chin ride, he gets a chin ride.
4. Squeezing her breast: Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and soothe them.
Instead of complaining, how about just getting squeak toys implanted? Then we could all have a laugh.
5. Biting her nipples: Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, and then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing, so lick and suck them gently – Flicking your tongue across them is good – Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
If you could lose weight on your own, I wouldn't have to try to deflate you.
6. Twiddling her nipples: Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between fingers and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
I'm just hoping that if I twiddle enough, you might start to play the baseball game. It's called multitasking, hop on it.
7. Ignoring the other parts of her body: A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
Ok, first of all, I think bombing is a little harsh. It was light mortar fire at the very most. Secondly, this is stupid. If you're on vacation at Woman Island, you want to do all the fun stuff. Not spend your time wandering around boring shit like the Elbow Cave and the Ankle Gift Shoppe.
8. Getting your hand trapped: Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
This wouldn't happen if you didn't wear underpants. How come I always gotta change?
9. Leaving her a little present: Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
So now my presents aren't good enough? Last week you were complaining that I never gave you anything, and that when I did, it was superficial. Now, I literally give you a bag of my own essence, and you turn your nose up at it? Typical.
10. Attacking the clitoris: Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
I'll respond when I figure out what that thing is.
11. Stopping for a break: Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs – numb jaw or not.
I love this double-standard. So it's ok when you pick up the phone to talk to your friend about what kind of lip gloss her Yorkie should be wearing, but when I stop for just a half-rack of ribs you get all pissy? You know, if you let me slather you in BBQ sauce, we wouldn't have this problem.
12. Undressing her awkwardly: Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
What kind of elegant present wears a sweater and a bra? Are you trying to say that women should be objectified? You disgust me.
13. Giving her a wedgie during foreplay: Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
No Indian Burns, No purple nurples, no wedgies…man this sleepover fucking blooows.
14. Being obsessed with the vagina: Although most men can find the clitoris without a map, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt – so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
If you have a better place for my stolen banknotes, I'm all ears. Look, you want nice things, you do your part to hide the loot.
15. Massaging too roughly: You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
You don't know anything about massages. All massages should at the very least include elbows, and usually end with making up an excuse for why you can't pay at the moment, but have the money in the car.