As I’ve done before, as I will do again, it is time to rip off Bill Simmons and do my own running diary.
4:02 PM (all times Eastern ‘cause that’s where I live): The boss lets me go early. He’s a huge baseball fan. And he understands.
4:22 PM: I make it to The Local Pub. Everyone comments on my work clothes (which they never see—some people forget I have a real job) and the notebook. Dave is the first person to ask why I’m doing this. “I’m keeping a diary of the game. I know it’s geeky. Leave me alone.”
4:32: Tony says, “You know, the Padres, if they pull together could win this thing.” I give him an evil look and he finishes with, “But the Cardinals are gonna do it. You know they are.”
4:43: View of Mulder’s bare head reveals frosted hair. The man is 28. Whatever.
4:50: Nunez with a great play to end the inning. I’m rooting for a guy named Abraham? What century is this?
4:56: One of the announcers says, “The way Molina plays, you’d have to think both his parents were catchers.” Without missing a beat, Tony says, “Out of context, that could be kinda dirty.”
4:58: Tara, the Asian Sensation, asks me why I’m taking notes. I yell, “Number two!” Most people clear out of the pub.
5:05: Tony says he wants the Cardinals to win. When I ask why, he says the following: “It’s the balance of nature, Mister Nate. You don’t watch the Gazelle kill the Lion. It just don’t make no sense. I want to see real baseball. Not some bullshit fluke.” Well said, as always.
5:13: An announcer calls Bill Hahn, “Not the most consistent of umpires” after he calls a pitch at Sanders’ chin. You’d think the MLB would want the consistent umps in the post season. Whatever.
5:26: Tony says the Padres are “getting beat like terminal cancer patients in a diseased waiting room—a minute at a time.” The bar gets silent.
5:32: An announcer says that the Padres will start scoring runs soon. Tony responds with, “When? Next season?”
5:40: During a commercial, Tony offers me this bit of wisdom, “If you believe anything I ever tell you, believe this: eat cheese while you’re young.” Y’all take that to heart now. The man’s old. He’s been there.
5:43: After Khalil Greene’s throw allows Pujols to reach first safely, Tony says, “Can these guys get anyone out? Every time I look at the screen another Cardinal is safe.” I nod, happily
6:01: I have developed a new pickup line. It is a great icebreaker. I just ask a girl if I can touch her skin. Then I softly feel her skin with one or two fingers and say, “Wow. That is smooth. Do you use anything?” Later, more details on if this actually works (it’s still in the prototype phase).
6:02: ESPN just showed us the winning play of the game. There’s like, four innings left. I think they may have jumped the gun on that one.
6:04: Tony leaves. Now, everyone is trying to get in my running diary. So, here’s a list of people and some noteworthy things they did or said.
Dave the Off Duty Bartender noticed that my fly was down.
Tara has an awesome hook shot.
Tiffany has nice skin.
TJ finished that book I gave him. He wants another one.
Troy and Molly drink too much.
Danger Russ is the man.
Christy is two days overdue (she’s pregnant). She and her fiancee are thinking about naming the kid Early just for laughs.
6:10: The Padres get three hits and the Cardinals turn a double play while David Eckstein’s father, Whitey, is interviewed. I find it funny that not one question was asked of Whitey’s wife, Eckstein’s mom. What year is this again? Oh yeah, and about that interviewing players and their families and other random people while the game is going on? Yeah, I love that. Seriously, who wants to actually watch the game?
6:22: No one will cheer with me. Everyone absolutely refuses to do the “Let’s Go Cardinals” chant with me. I think I’m the only Cardinals fan in Tampa. And I’m definitely the loudest person in the pub right now.
6:27: Reggie Sanders triples then extends middle finger to America’s sports writers.
6:42: Four score and seven years ago, Abraham Nunez, utility infielder, took over for Scott Rolen and provided the Cardinals with some much needed help on both offense and defense.
6:44: I say, “If the Cards lose this game, I’m hitting Tom in the face.” To which Tom replies, “So, if the Padres win, I get to kill Nate?”
7:05: Eckstein catches the last out. The Cardinals win as Tom says, “Congratulations on getting to live to see the next game.”
“Thanks,” I say. “Thanks a lot.”