Does anyone out there have a friend who doesn’t drink alcohol but still likes to go out and have a good time? My friend Happy is like this. For whatever reason, he doesn’t drink (he once told me why but I don’t really remember because I’m self involved). So he’ll hit up the bars on game days and sit and cheer for his team while guzzling soda like a sugar addict. And he has just as much fun as anyone else. He’s always good for a high five or three and he’s fun to talk to during the games and at half time. My point is, Happy enjoys himself and doesn’t care that he can’t drink anymore.
Does anyone out there have a friend who doesn’t drink alcohol but still likes to go out and have a good time? My friend Happy is like this. For whatever reason, he doesn’t drink (he once told me why but I don’t really remember because I’m self involved). So he’ll hit up the bars on game days and sit and cheer for his team while guzzling soda like a sugar addict. And he has just as much fun as anyone else. He’s always good for a high five or three and he’s fun to talk to during the games and at half time. My point is, Happy enjoys himself and doesn’t care that he can’t drink anymore.
Actually, that wasn’t my point. This is: I am now the sports gambling equivalent of Happy. Because of the deal I made with the football gods, I cannot gamble until 2006. This, however, does not mean that I can’t write about football gambling. Just like Happy still gets to sit down in The Local Pub and make fun of Tampa Bay’s kiddie-pool-sized QB depth, I can still stroll onto The Nate Way and tap my happy fingers about football. (Side note: I was gonna give up on writing about Football completely because of the number of great sports writers available to the public, but a guy named Freeze left a comment stating that I should keep writing about sports. I listen to people whose names are verbs. Just one of my things).
At any rate, I’m picking every NFL game against the spread from now on. Break out the pinky rings, hand-rolled cigars and single malt scotch. We’re playing odds here, people. Home teams in capital letters.
Chiefs (+2) over BILLS
Imagine waking up one day, strolling into the office, grabbing that first cup of coffee, and then hearing the boss say, “Hey, I need you to go to Buffalo over the weekend.” I mean, you’d be pissed wouldn’t you? You’d fly to Buffalo, do your job as quickly as possible, get it done right so you never have to think about it again, chomp a few wings with people who pack away an average of six pounds of cheese per week, and then get the hell out and pretend it never happened, wouldn’t you? The Chiefs are gonna show up, work hard, get out, and beg Coach Dick to let them get right back on the plane. You know a city sucks when it can make you grateful for what you have in Kansas City. And yes, if Vermeil ran my team I would call him “Coach Dick” every chance I got.
Redskins (pk) over BUCCANEERS
I hate picking against my team. But our starting QB is Chris Simms, who’s backed up by Tim Rattay, who’s backed up by Luke McNown. At this point, I honestly think you could do the job better. Yes, you. I can tell you have heart. It’s obvious.
Patriots (-3) over DOLPHINS
I could pick this game either way and it wouldn’t matter. This spread is perfect. The Patriots will win by a field goal and this bet will be a push. In other words gambling fans, stay the hell away from this one.
BEARS (-12) over 49ers
Have you ever seen Soldier Field when things are going well for the Bears in November? If you answered no, odds are you’re one of the many people born after 1982. The Bears have snuck in the playoff picture this year, anonymously and without grandeur, and are just flat out getting the job done (the next few years for the Bears are gonna be interesting). The Bears are like The Guy on the Couch from the movie, “Half Baked.” No one knows how The Bears got in the house, no one knows who they are or how long they’ll stay, but for some reason, you believe them when they tell you that they didn’t kill your dog. You don’t know why, but you do.
Vikings (+9) over GIANTS
Here’s my deal: I watched Brad Johnson win a Super Bowl for Tampa Bay. I feel like I know the guy. Brad Johnson does not deserve to be a nine point underdog against anyone. BJ is like an old Volvo: ugly, slow, safe and reliable. I don’t think he’ll win this game, but the Vikings will still be in it in the fourth quarter and Johnson won’t lose it for them. Furthermore, Eli simply cannot win unless he’s in a close game. He’s like a baseball closer. I honestly think he actually stops paying attention when he gets a two score lead.
DETROIT (-3.5) over Arizona
I would rather pay my taxes than watch this game.
JACKSONVILLE (-6.5) over Baltimore
All across Jacksonville right now, chubby men with thick southern accents are stuffing their mouths with Chic Fil A Chicken Biscuits and looking up from the sports section to say things like, “Wow, they’re pretty good this year. Honey, can your brother in law still get tickets?” I give it three weeks (at the most) until all the pregame “analysts” start saying stuff like, “And the Jaguars may be for real, folks.”
COLTS (-17) over Texans
I look at the Colts’ schedule this year, and their defense this year, and their new offensive strategy (i.e. own the game, not the highlight reels) and I just can’t help but wonder how the ‘72 Dolphins are feeling from week to week. I’ll bet they’re a little nervous.
PANTHERS (-8.5) over Jets
Did the Panthers defense even review film for this one? Do you think the defensive coordinator started their meeting with the words, “Does anyone here think they’ll have a problem with either Bollinger or Testaverde?” And then the whole unit started laughing maniacally? Yeah, I’ll bet that’s how that went down.
Denver (-2.5) over OAKLAND
First off, if you like dumb penalties, hard hits, personal fouls and Mike Shanahan’s hair, this is the game for you. Second off, this spread is a personal insult to the Broncos (who have a much better team than Shanahan realizes). And third off, this is the time of year when Kerry Collins calls his accountant, learns how much money he has, and decides to dedicate the rest of the year to the local strip club scene. If Jake Plummer wasn’t featured prominently in this game, the spread would be 7.
Rams (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
My Dad swears this is the way to go. Hey man, he’s got a doctorate. How can I not listen to him?
(Side note: If Mike Martz ever wants to get back into football, he absolutely must be an offensive coordinator again. He’s like the enthusiastic restaurant manager who has a lot of great ideas, many of which work, but without someone logical to run those ideas by, he gets himself into trouble. He needs a boss to say things like, “Okay, Mike. I like most of your ideas. But we simply cannot offer patrons free beer on Wednesdays. I don’t care if it’s our slowest day. That’s a dumb move. We’ll lose money.” When Mike’s your head coach, no one’s there to say things to him like, “Hey, maybe we ought to run the ball once this game.” So, the question is, would Mike Martz be willing to go back to being an offensive coordinator again in the NFL? The answer, of course, is no.)
FALCONS (-9) over Packers
Much like I’m not allowed at high school cheerleading camps anymore, Brett Favre should not be allowed in domes. Especially now that Brett’s sixty years old and dedicating this year to breaking the league turnover record. Conversely, the Falcons must be having some kind of success this year because they got PIC creator Court Sullivan to walk a mile to a game. Now that’s a team with draw.
Browns (+ 7.5) over STEELERS
Charlie Batch is starting for the Steelers. I have nothing more to add here.
EAGLES (-2.5) over Cowboys
Here’s a summary of a conversation I overheard at The Local Pub.
Guy 1: So, Philly suspended T.O. indefinitely for his mouth.
Guy 2: What’d he say?
Guy 1: I don’t know. The usual stuff, probably. I stopped listening to T.O. when he was in Frisco. The guy’s like a landfill. Just ‘cause you’re driving by, don’t mean you gotta roll down the windows and take in the smell.
That exchange had nothing to do with the game, but it got me thinking. If you played for Philly, and a reporter came up and asked you about the whole T.O. situation, wouldn’t you love to have that landfill analogy at your disposal? You could even take it further. You could be like, “The guy’s like a landfill. And we were sick of being next to the stench. We tried rolling up our windows. We tried room deodorizer. We even tried spraying Ozium and lighting cigars. Well, the smell still got into our clothes. We just had to drive away.”
This is why I think every professional sports team should have at least one script writer, by the way.