1 Glass jars.
3 Led Zeppelin.
5 “The Simpsons.”
6 That feeling you know, like you were supposed to be doing something.
7 Lil' Debbie's Snack Cakes.
8 Jimi Hendrix.
9 That guy, you know, that guy. He's the guy.
10 Rolling papers.
11 Did we already eat?
12 Are we gonna eat again?
13 “The Three Stooges.”
14 Oreo cookies.
15 Hey, you guys wanna get something to eat or what?
16 Janis Joplin.
17 I swear, that kid behind the counter knew we were high.
18 Aluminum cans.
19 You ever think about—wait, I forgot what I was saying.
20 What were we talking about again?
21 “Family Guy.”
22 That show cracks me up.
23 Chocolate chip cookies.
24 Dude, can I have some of these?
26 Jim Morrison.
27 I swear man, it's like, you can feel what he's singing.
28 It's like he's right here, man.
29 Dennis Leary.
30 A circle's like a holy shape, dig?
31 Don't fuck with the circle.
32 Frosted Cookies.
33 Aww, those are so good.
34 “Half Baked.”
35 You ever feel like you can relate to something?
37 Cookie Bites cereal.
38 I hate that three seconds you know, between like running out of milk to eat with my cereal and then deciding to just eat the fucking cereal without milk. That's a stressful three seconds.
39 Stoned is the way of the walk.
40 Bill Clinton.
41 I did not inhale.
44 Sugar Cookies
45 I did not exhale.
46 Jay and Silent Bob.
47 I swear man, it's like the whole world's against us.
48 The Grateful Dead.
49 Thank you, Jerry.
50 Okay, pretty much any fucking cookie.
52 “Office Space.”
54 Bro, kicking the dank.
56 Jerry Garcia.
57 Drop the tank; pick up the dank.
58 Red hairs.
59 Dude, next semester I'm gonna kick so much ass.
62 Hippies would be alright if they bathed more and could like, pay for stuff.
63 Slim Jims.
64 The Beatles.
65 Dude, have you ever thought about how huge space is?
66 One hitters.
67 “Van Wilder.”
68 I mean, it's like huge. It's like infinite man.
69 Forever. Far out.
71 Dude, it's far out forever. That's fucked up, right there.
73 Dude, I forgot number seventy-three. Aww, that sucks.
74 Aww man, there's no way I'm reading this. It's like, nine pages long.
75 Chicken wings.
76 John Lennon.
77 Red eyes.
79 I'll bet a horse could beat up a cow.
80 “Scooby Doo.”
81 Eye drops.
83 Seriously, have you ever even see a cow move more than like a few steps?
84 Thomas Jefferson.
85 Fucking cows are proof of God, man. Anything that lazy and that tasty has to be a gift from someone.
88 How come no one ever thinks to put chocolate syrup on pizza?
89 “The Boondocks.”
90 My favorite thing about this couch is the comfy.
91 But I also enjoy the fluffy.
93 I think I've hackey-sacked in every county in Florida.
94 I should go to Europe and sack it up there.
95 George Washington.
96 Though systematically, the war on drugs may seem like an effective way to rid our cities of crimes, it really is a shame because, to borrow from 311, it creates “an over crowded prison where a rapist gets paroled, to make room for a dude who sold a pound of weed. To me, that's a crime.
97 “Here's to good people doing time.”
98 Baked potato chips.
99 I didn't shoot the sheriff or the deputy man.
100 I may have fucked their wives, though.
101 “South Park.”
102 What's the deal with corkscrews, dude?
103 Vinegar potato chips.
104 I wish everything were less expensive.
105 Woody Harrelson.
106 Dude, seriously, take a shower.
107 You wanta watch TV?
108 Ruffles potato chips.
109 You wanta play videogames?
110 “Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.”
111 One of these days man, I'm gonna understand what it's all about, and then I'm gonna like, be better at stuff.
112 Hey man, you mind like, fronting me on that?
113 Barbecue potato chips.
114 Mitch Hedberg.
115 Dave Chapelle.
116 You ever coughed so hard that you popped something?
117 I don't know man, any thing.
118 “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.”
119 Jon Stewart.
120 I swear man, the dollar bill is a mystery. It's like a map to our pasts.
121 I was gonna do that but then?
123 Say what you will about my job, at least it's easy.
124 Okay, pretty much any fucking potato chip.
125 I had a little problem with pot until the dry spell cleared up.
126 We totally need some lava lamps.
127 If I could fly, I wouldn't be here right now.
128 Pink Floyd.
129 So like, straight up, there's no chance of Calvin and Hobbes coming back?
130 I told this chick I liked her nugs once, and she thought I was talking about her jugs.
131 I banged her.
132 Since I got out of the dorms, I go through a lot less fabric softener.
133 Gummy Bears.
134 I'm impressed by the very idea of Gummy?
135 “Clerks 2.”
136 Seriously, it's like a gelatin, but not really.
137 Whoever thought up Gummy better have gotten a promotion.
138 I wonder what the kids who went to the good schools are doing right now?
139 Bob Marley.
140 Midgets crack me up.
141 Fat people depress me.
142 Sour Patch Kids.
143 So like a friend of mine came up to me and said he was going to stay in a hotel and he was worried 'cause he thought you couldn't smoke pot in hotels and he wanted to smoke some pot, right? So I told him, “dude, you can't smoke pot anywhere, it's illegal.”
144 That made him feel better.
145 I wish every food was microwaveable.
146 Dude, when I finally graduate we'll always have the diggity.
147 One of these days, one of us is gonna have to clean this place.
148 “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.”
149 We should go see an I-Max movie.
150 Dude, has anyone seen my wallet and my keys and my?oh shit, they're in my pocket.
151 Microwaved burritos.
152 Dude, have you moved from that spot all day?
155 So like, you gonna finish that?
156 I don't like doing stuff.
157 Those fish cracker things.
158 Wake and bake.
159 “Fast Times at Ridgemont High.”
160 I mean seriously, it is our time, isn't it?
161 Have you ever like accidentally burped up a smoke bubble in class?
162 Gummy Worms.
163 First they gummied the bear, then they went for the worm. Why these two animals?
164 The Dead Milkmen.
165 I mean, I could see why someone would think a worm would be Gummy? After all, it's already a little squishy, but a bear?
166 Wait, maybe they're actually Gummy teddy bears. Yeah, that makes sense.
167 Peach rings.
168 Come to think of it, in the Gummy bear cartoons, they looked kind of like teddy bears.
169 Man, am I glad we settled that.
170 The Doors.
171 “The Doors.”
172 Oh yeah, and the Gummy Bear cartoons.
173 Bic lighters.
174 Posters with marijuana leaves on them.
175 Willie Nelson.
176 Shirts with marijuana leaves on them.
177 Fruit Stripe Gum.
178 Jam bands.
179 Veggie burritos.
180 Devil sticks.
181 “One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.”
182 Reggae music has a way of making me feel all natural, you know?
183 Dollar Menu kicks ass.
184 M & Ms.
185 “Good Times.”
186 Jack Nicholson.
187 Man, everyone thinks they have the answer man, but they don't know the question, you know?
188 Some things just make more sense when you're high.
189 Ice Cream.
190 I hate it when I accidentally sit at a blinking red light as if it's a real red light. Those things should blink slower.
191 Amsterdam wasn't as mellow as I thought it'd be.
192 No sir, I don't think I actually meant to fall asleep in your class.
193 “Toy Story.”
194 Five bucks says I can roll all that into this paper.
196 No one ever gives me enough credit, man.
197 “The Colbert Report.”
198 That's funny.
199 Dave Barry.
200 Bill Simmons.
201 “Apocalypse Now.”
202 The munchies are just nature's way of telling you that food tastes good.
204 Macaroni and Cheese.
205 Seriously, are you gonna finish that?
206 Snowboarding kicks ass.
207 I'll bet if Tostito and Dorito got in a fight, Tostito would kick his ass.
208 “The Smurfs.”
209 But then again, Dorito does have that flavored exterior.
210 That would help in any good chip fight.
211 Salted peanuts.
212 I'll bet the guy who came up with “The Bud Bowl” was high.
213 They should have more bowl games between inanimate objects.
215 You know, we're all in this together.
216 I've never trusted Jay Leno.
217 He just seems like the kind of guy who's hell bent on world domination.
218 Beer nuts.
219 So like this dude came up to me,
220 And he was all like,
221 You should make a list of things that may or may not relate to marijuana.
222 “That 70's show.”
223 And I was like, dude, every thing out there may or may not relate to marijuana.
224 And then he told me what he really meant.
225 Trail mix.
226 He meant like? okay I'm not really sure but it was something like things that like people who smoke marijuana relate to that aren't necessarily the stuff that gets them high or something.
227 Anyway, it's a bitch of an assignment, but fortunately for me I have the spare time.
228 Widespread Panic.
229 I'm sorta like between jobs.
230 Right now I work as a temp, but they don't have any assignments for me.
231 Ritz Crackers.
232 My last assignment got all screwed up because I kept accidentally driving to the wrong place.
233 I don't see why my car needs an oil change. Maybe my car has grown attached to the oil. No one thinks about it like that.
234 The String Cheese Incident.
235 I wish I had a boat.
236 Dude, if I had a boat, I'd have all the bitches.
237 Individual cheese slices. (Don't judge me.)
238 That chick at the end of the bar thinks I'm a sports agent.
239 It's funny how relaxing a living room can be.
240 “Harold and Kumar go to White Castle.”
241 White Castle.
242 Tootsie Rolls.
243 There's got to be someone out there who can make an airtight glass piece for under two hundred bucks.
246 Chocolate cake.
247 I always wondered why Super Man didn't just wear a mask.
248 You got the Frisbee?
249 Dude, there's no way you play a better Madden than I do.
250 “The Elephant Man.”
251 My mom gets the best nugs.
253 America's Funniest Home Videos isn't that bad.
255 I'll bet I could beat the President at Ping Pong. Any president.
256 I'm fucking good at pong.
257 Dude, could you fill out this job application for me?
258 White cake.
259 Wait, who the fuck were the Waldos?
260 I thought you meant like, where's Waldo?
261 “Dazed and Confused.”
262 I'm sorry. I had no idea that was yours.
263 If clouds could think, I bet they'd help us. They just look trustworthy.
264 Angel Food cake.
265 Dude, work will be there tomorrow.
266 Rick James.
267 I wonder why so many people are sober.
268 Dude, I love that bubbling sound.
269 They should make a sequel to “Golden Child.”
270 Pretty much any cake.
271 So like, that's not allowed?
272 “Back to School.”
273 Hey, that's my friend Eddie. Don't look him in the eye.
274 Eddie hates eyes.
275 I know. I know. It's weird, but what can you do?
276 Blueberry pies.
277 Wait, that's illegal?
278 I'll bet Jesus smoked pot.
279 Seriously, why not?
280 “Beverly Hills Cop.”
281 You know, the founding fathers toked the herb. True story.
282 Strawberry pies.
283 You have no idea how stoked I am.
284 If stoked were a candy bar, I'd be movie sized.
286 Dude we are immortal but for a limited time.
287 How can you not get that?
288 Vanilla Cream pies.
289 The world is suffering from a serious lack of water slides.
291 “Beverly Hills Cop 2.”
292 I wonder what Judge Reinhold's doing right now?
293 Key Lime Pie.
294 So like, you're taking a morning class?
295 “Rush” (the movie).
296 Dude, what's your hurry? Graduation's not going anywhere.
297 Shepherd's pie.
298 I wish I owned a hash parlor.
299 That'd be sweet.
300 “Eddie Murphy: Raw.”
301 Yeah, I pretty much don't care about stuff.
302 It's pretty cool how porcupines came with their own artillery.
303 Pretty much any pie, except for Rhubarb.
304 I hate it when I get interrupted watching television.
305 It's like people don't realize that they have nothing nearly as important to say as the people getting paid to entertain me.
306 I mean, they're getting paid. What's hard to get about that?
307 Candy Cigarettes.
308 French fries.
309 Women named after nature, like Sky or Rain or Star or Big Bear (I get around).
310 Pot whores.
311 Three Eleven
312 I wonder how long it takes a duck to dry off.
313 I'd like to race a duck and see who could dry off the quickest.
314 You ever think about taking a nap in your car when you're at work?
315 Ah, what the hell. I take it back, Rhubarb.
316 I was in restaurant once and they were out of beef.
317 I was like, “how do you run out of an entire animal?”
318 He said it was popular.
319 I told him that wasn't new.
320 George Carlin in general.
321 I totally spaced on yesterday.
322 I'll get it together today.
323 Or tomorrow, you know. Whenever. No rush.
324 Ziggy Marley.
325 This world is a hard enough place without some asshole trying to nab your ninety nine cent lighter.
326 The entire McDonald's menu.
327 I could see why the Native Americans are pissed off.
328 “Eddie Murphy: Delirious.”
329 I wonder if anyone will ever invent individually wrapped ketchup slices?
330 That way, I wouldn't have to put my ketchup on the hard way.
331 The entire Taco Bell menu.
332 What's that smell?
333 Burning Spear.
334 Barbecued chicken.
335 Barbecued pork.
336 Barbecued beef.
337 Soft pretzels.
338 Dude, what's up with this rent shit, anyway?
339 I'll bet God hates traffic, too.
340 “Trading Places” (the movie).
341 Owning a fish is a big responsibility.
342 Especially if you have to keep it in some kind of container. Then it just gets insane.
343 Hard pretzels.
344 My alarm clock is a wiseass, I swear to Christ.
345 Dennis Hopper.
348 Flaky chicks with big hearts.
349 Fruit flavored Mentos.
350 Crazy chicks with quick fists.
351 You ever notice how cold it gets in the winter?
352 “The Golden Child.”
353 I like, totally had something to tell you but now I can't—wait!
354 No, that's not it. Sorry.
355 Sprinkles. On Anything.
356 The government man. The government.
357 I'm telling you man, it's the government.
358 Ice Cube.
359 Dude, you know I know what you mean about you know, you know?
360 I wonder if animals ever think about building houses.
362 Sometimes I wish we didn't have to wear shoes in polite society.
363 Socks, either.
364 Remember at dinner when we ate? I miss that.
366 There's never anything good on TV that I haven't already seen.
367 You think I watch too much TV?
368 Dude, I don't watch that much TV.
370 I wonder about a lot of stuff, you know?
371 Lik a Stiks.
372 Dude, don't make me watch the news sober.
373 Fitty Cent.
374 My car smells like old good times.
376 I'm not saying that it's good, but that's only 'cause I can't really talk right now.
377 The Evening News.
378 Thinking about stuff is a total downer.
379 If I owned that store, I'd give away mini-donuts.
381 Stop signs are so impolite.
382 Seriously, they're just like, “stop.” And they don't even tell you what's up or ask please or nothing.
383 Snoop Dogg.
384 Honestly, why would anyone wanta own piranhas?
385 Piranha is a bitch to spell. And it looks funny, too.
387 Words are so, you know, like, not advanced.
388 I hope, before I die, that I'll make up a word.
389 CNN in general.
390 I wonder what really needs to be summed up in one word?
391 I'll bet a lot of the two word phrases could use some humbling?
393 I think that a guy doing tricks with a flaming yoyo is about the most daring a total nerd can be.
395 When you watch an old movie on TV, you can't call it a rerun because it's not a show, but they are rerunning the movie, you know? That seems unfair.
396 Really nice hotel bars make me want to be quieter.
398 Do you think I will ever live in a time when M.A.S.H is not available on basic cable television?
399 My farts are staring to piss me off.
400 ESPN in general.
401 I don't trust people who don't like music.
403 I wish I owned a pizza shop.
404 Total Devastation.
405 Seriously, how hard can it be to sell pizza?
406 Oh man, going to the bathroom is such a hassle.
408 One day, they'll build a bathroom that will come to me.
409 I think they should teach Trucker Talk in college.
411 No one listens to my ideas, ever.
412 They should build a house out of newspaper, just to see if it can be done.
413 I wish my car could talk to me.
414 Mel Gibson's career.
415 Seen any shows, lately?
416 Dude, we're all just slaves to the traffic devices you know. On yeah and the government. Fucking government, man.
418 People falling down is funny.
419 Relax dude, I'll get your money.
420 Four Twenty.
1 Glass jars.