For those of you who did not know (and subsequently, didn‘t email me with the news), St. Louis Cardinal's Manager, Tony LaRussa received a DUI citation last week. Because of this, thousands of journalists pounced on the story and took the time out of their busy lives to bore us with their opinions on the matter. Furthermore, even more bloggers and journalists have taken the time out of their lives to jump on each other's opinions of this story, which, for reasons that are obvious to any person who's ever met someone who thinks they know how to write, caused more bloggers and journalists to criticize each other and Tony LaRussa. And the Cardinals. And Major League Baseball. And, oddly enough, Leonard Little. And, I'm pretty sure, the entire State of Florida (where LaRussa was arrested). So now that every angle possible has been taken by every writer possible, it is time for me to weigh in my two cents.

Cept I got nothing.

People get drunk and make bad decisions. That's part of the fun of getting drunk. Or, to borrow a phrase from an old Vietnam movie, “Sometimes you have to go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.”

Now, I know that there are thousands upon thousands of lives ruined each and every year by people who drive drunk. I know this is a serious issue and I don't want to make light of it, by any means.

But, I also know that there are thousands upon thousands of people who have their lives ruined every year by bad food, drugs, firearms and even mail-order brides (long story). And I'm not here to judge or take sides.

I'm here to help.

Unfortunately, it's too late to help Tony LaRussa. He got the DUI. He apologized to the media, to the fans, to his employers, and (knowing him) to his dogs. He'll be fine, I'm sure. But he's beyond my help (unlike most people).

And, it's too late to help the media. They're gonna sensationalize whatever they can to sell papers, get their sites more hits and increase ratings on their television shows. We all gotta eat and all that.

And, there's no way I can help the victims of drunk drivers right now. Their pain and suffering is too great and the damage has been done. Plus, I ain‘t no shrink.

So I got to wondering, who exactly can I help with this issue?

And, after careful deliberation (read: a six pack of Corona), I finally figured out how I can help the people who I really care about: St. Louis Cardinal fans.

Cardinal fans, huddle up.

I promise you, fans of the St. Louis Cardinals, that if you back your team like you have in the past, if you don't give Tony LaRussa too much guff for his mistake, if you understand that this guy is not perfect (and if you've ever seen him manage, you know that one already), then your team will still have a shot of getting Anthony Reyes to keep his four seam fastball down, of getting Kip Wells back to form, of making a starter out of Adam Wainright and of going to another post season as a team.

When you're a Cardinal fan, you're part of an extended family. When you're a Cardinal fan, you're part of something more important than a drunk in an Escalade. You're part of more than a hundred years of history, which probably means that you've been rooting for hundreds of players and coaches who've more than likely driven drunk before.

And you know what? I'm pretty sure you'll get over it.

Go Cardinals!

More Like This

Comedy Courses