Wow, it's been a month since I nearly died (three times) and paralyzed myself. Time flies when you're in a hospital room or your parents' suburban home.

Here are some updates:

The beard is going well. I decided to do the Tom Cruise from "Born On The Fourth Of July." I don't know when I'll shave again. I hate the mustache with a bloody passion. Photos are on MySpace and Facebook.

The scars rock. I can't wait to gross out children. Part of my neck is still numb, and probably always will be. Alas, I liked getting my neck sucked on, but the good lord was kind enough to get me two sides of my neck so it's not a total loss.

My robot titanium neck parts are doing well. I have a 99.9999% chance of not getting titanium poisoning, but you never know.

Yesterday I wore pants for the first time since my last day of work. It was weird.

Sitting is still a pain in the ass. Well, not in the ass but in the neck. You see, I have to move around constantly, so that makes getting comfortable a chore.

I also can swallow food pretty well again. My surgery required my esophagus, windpipe and other neck guts to the side so they could drill holes in my vertebrate. For a while I choked on everything. Now I only choke about 50 percent of the time.

If you're really curious, my digestive system is working again. You see, when you nearly paralyze yourself your body doesn't really give a shit about your digestive system. But I'm pooping again, which is nice.

The month off of work has been a nice added bonus. I needed some time away from the office. Amazingly so, I've realized my boring job was a great catalyst to creativity. Now I just need to find a way to get paid for doing things I like to do.

I'm still getting an outpouring of phonecalls and messages. Thank you to each and every one of you. Seriously, it makes my day. I'm sorry I'm so bad at returning e-mails right now, like I said, I can't sit very long so my tolerance for e-mailing has fallen quite a bit.

Because of all of you, I'm healing up nicely. I'm working my ass off on this new book, and some other funny stuff for you all to enjoy. I'm living life and hopefully enhancing souls as live.

Be good everybody.

And don't forget, you're the best!