So far today, twenty-five people have been killed and twenty were injured at Virginia Tech due to at least one gunman (a gunman is like Spider Man except with guns instead of spiders). As a result of this tragedy, many buildings have been evacuated, police are actively patrolling the campus, and all classes have been canceled until further notice?wait a minute! All classes have been canceled? Lucky bitches. (Well, I mean the ones who didn't get shot.)

According to CNN, “The Rev. Al Sharpton, among the loudest critics calling for Imus' termination, indicated that entertainment is the next battleground. ‘We will not stop until we make it clear that no one should denigrate women,' he said after Imus' firing. ‘We must deal with the fact that ho and the b-word are words that are wrong from anybody's lips. It would be wrong if we stopped here and acted like Imus was the only problem. There are others that need to get this same message.'” And furthermore, said Sharpton, I don't want anyone to say the words “snagglepuss” or “gamorange”, because they are made up and goofy sounding. And also, I want Freedom of Speech to burn in hell like the little bitch-ho it is. Nothing is worse than the First Amendment. Also, I will not tolerate maple syrup on my bacon. But that's more of a personal thing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to make sure that black Americans are treated like victims who don't have the sense to stand up for themselves, thus helping ensure that all of us never have to take responsibility for anything and always have old white men as an excuse for our problems. Sharpton, away!

(And then he flew away. You didn't know Sharpton could fly, did you? He tries to keep that one a secret.)

In honor of Jackie Robinson, every member of the St. Louis Cardinals and Milwaukee Brewers wore number 42, which caused my drunk friend Cory to call me up and say, “Hey, how come everyone's wearing Bruce Sutter's number? Did he die or something?” (That's only funny if you're a Cardinal's fan. Sorry for wasting everyone else's time.)

Here's why I love the whole Jackie Robinson gimmick. Imagine if I said to you, “Hey, I'm gonna give you this here job and everyone's gonna scream and yell at you and threaten your life and you can't fight back and you will be treated like shit on a shoe everywhere you go outside of your own house for a few years. How that be?” I doubt you would say, “Cool, sign me up.” Or, in the words of Cardinal great, Bob Gibson, “There's no way in hell I coulda done what Jackie did. I'da killed somebody.”

And finally, because this observation piece got way too heavy for logic and fluidity, I leave you with the following, which I saw on a bumper sticker:

“Jesus Would Do Your Mom.”

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