You know you drink too much when you go three days in a row without so much as a beer and you say to yourself, “Oh, so this is what everyone else feels like.” I just wish I knew what everyone did with all this clarity. I mean, if most people feel like this everyday, fucking cars should be running on water and flying by now.

Waitresses make great girlfriends because they're used to getting men stuff.

Strawberries are God's way of telling you that there is such a thing as good, clean fun.

I wish I was an intellectual so I could analyze and understand what the fuck I'm writing about. Actually, scratch that. I don't want to know.

Alcohol is God's way of telling you that you are better than you think you are.

Recently, one of my ex-girlfriends wrote that I am insecure with my appearance. Which finally explains why I fucked the crazy bitch in the first place.

Hangovers are God's way of telling you that you drank too much alcohol the night before (sometimes, God can be pretty black and white about this stuff).

I contribute monthly to a charity called Kid's Place in St. Louis. They help out at-risk kids. If you send them enough money, they eventually send you a group picture of all the kids. I got mine today. It's pretty cool to see all those little faces? for about a minute. Then you remember that eighty percent of the boys are gonna wind up in jail and that sixty percent of the girls are gonna wind up as single mothers no matter how well this program works. Maybe I should just spend that money on cocaine or hookers and cut out the middle man.

Sobriety makes me cynical.

Actually, I shouldn't blame that on sobriety. I'm just cynical.

PIC's Fearless Editor Court Sullivan recently sent me a rough of the foreword he's writing for my upcoming book and in it he revealed that his biggest concern about getting me a column and blog on this site stemmed from the fact that I didn't own a computer at the time. Quite frankly, I'd have to say that's a pretty legitimate concern for the owner of a humor website. I mean, questions like, “Is his stuff any good?” and “Will he write with regularity?” are pretty important to an editor, I'm sure. But well, when you're wondering “Where the fuck is this guy doing his writing, anyway?”, you know you're taking a risk. Fortunately for all involved, Court doesn't let little things like logistics stand in the way of creativity.

And finally, because logic and fluidity are busy working up some kind of hobby to occupy all this new sober time of mine, I leave you with the following, which my friend Jay told me.

“It's not that you drink too much; it's that you're always drunk.”


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