Recently, Don Imus got himself into media trouble when he referred to members of the women's Rutgers basketball team as “nappy headed hos”, which is very shocking to me because I was under the impression that no one listened to Imus or watched women's NCAA basketball. Who knew?

Here are just a few of the ways that college kids can make and save money: donate blood and sperm, go fishing instead of grocery shopping, write papers for other college students, steal textbooks and sell drugs. These are just some of the ways. There are probably a lot more, but I'm not here to help with everything. Just some things.

A woman I was dating recently asked me to leave her place, so I wished her goodnight and left. Later, she called me up and told me that I was in a foul mood when I left and that she couldn't believe I left when I did. My response, “But you asked me to.” Women: fucking insane on so many levels.

Seeing that an ex-girlfriend has gotten fatter since you dumped her is an odd feeling. It's kind of like selling a stock and then watching it go down in value, but more like leaving a burning house in time to watch it go up in flames.

Yesterday, a married friend of mine was forced to get rid of all his pornography by his bitter and uncaring wife. He gave all the porn to his little brother, who is in college, and as a result of the gift, I gather that younger brother is less likely to graduate than he was a day ago. Also, he's probably gonna be a lot more popular with his fraternity brothers, now.

I can't tell you the last time I ordered a delivery pizza while sober.

Recent text message I received: “Do you drink every night?” I didn't answer it.

Have you ever known people who had agreeable divorces? These always crack me up. The couple involved doesn't yell at each other or bicker over petty shit. They still talk to each other in a friendly manner and even deliver each other their respective mail. This always makes me wonder why anyone who could have a pleasant divorce would bother to get one. I mean, if you've already found someone who you like leaving, why leave her? I'll probably never understand that one.

And finally, because logic and fluidity have to get going if they're gonna stay ahead of the weather, I leave you with the following, said by my friend, Dave:

“I don't care what anyone tells you, Easter Bunnies taste just as good as regular bunnies.”


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