You know what the worst thing is about breaking up with someone you've been with for a while?  Well I do.  It's explaining why you broke up to all the friends and family to whom you bothered to introduce the chick.  By the time you get around to explaining it to the fifteenth friend/relative, you're so exhausted and tired of repeating phrases like "We tried to make it work" and "I wish her the best" and all that shit that when someone like your father asks you why you broke up with the chick you took to his house for Christmas dinner, you feel obligated to say something to the effect of, "Honestly, I just wish I could find one girl out there who doesn't mind me shoving lit dinner candles up her ass."  People tend to stop inquiring about your personal life when you mention ass play, so there's a rule of thumb for you. 

A breakup is not really officially over until you get your stuff back.  My ex-girlfriend took a five day vacation before returning my stuff.  And even though I was technically single and even though my stuff consisted of like, three shirts and a pair of sunglasses, I still spent those five days feeling like I was in a relationship.  There's a certain weight that gets lifted when you get all your stuff back.  It's a weird sense of accomplishment, like walking out of a movie theater.  Or wiping your ass after a good shit.  I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here but I trust you to figure it out.  You people seem smart.

I found out the hard way though that, when receiving stuff from your ex, saying, "You know, I could really go for one last blowjob right now, for old time's sake" will probably not get you a blowjob.  No matter how much you tell her that, in your mind, nothing helps closure like a blowjob. 

By the by, and not for nothing and all that, nothing helps closure like a blowjob.

It's funny when you decide to change yourself based on the advice of a girl because you kind of realize, after a while, that the whole reason you were with the chick in the first place was so you could be yourself.  So you start thinking, "Well, if I'm gonna focus on being a better person, then I'm totally gonna find a better person to fuck."  Women should beware of changing men into better people.  I mean, if he's no longer a fall down drunk and an asshole, doesn't he deserve better than a chick who would settle for a fall down drunk and an asshole?  As Douglas Adams once wrote, "People are a problem."

This is the first breakup I've had in a long time where not one body part or object of any kind was damaged in any way.  This is what Dr. Phil calls, "a sign of the maturation process."  Of course, he's a tool so his opinion should be discounted.  But either way my car still has its original tires.  That's totally a plus. 

I don't know how in the hell people even bother to get divorced.  I mean, breaking up is a real pain in the ass.  There's a ton of arguing and a whole bunch of yelling, but to do that on such a macro scale… You really have to be dedicated as hell to getting the fuck out of someone's life to get a divorce.  There are lawyers and all these associated costs and I just don't think there's any way I could want out of a relationship that badly.  I think I'm actually too lazy to go through the process.  Of course, I'm not a money-hungry chick so motivation may be playing a role here…

The thing is: we live and we learn.  And maybe we use clichés.  Because in the end, we are who we are.  And we are people who use tautologies.  And maybe there is someone out there for all of us to love for the rest of our lives.  But, and this is far more likely, maybe there's not.  And in case the latter is true, then I highly recommend a good diet, steady workout regimen, and lots of sun.  Because if you're not gonna find someone who will love you forever, you can eat least find someone who's way hotter than your ex-girlfriend.

And finally, since logic and fluidity are busy eating ice cream straight from the carton, I leave you with the following, which was told to me by my friend Steve:

"Dude, look on the bright side:  you lasted nine months with a chick and you didn't knock her up or get married in Vegas.  That's a win for you, man.  Complete victory."

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