Gentlemen, if you ever get your own raunchy internet column, do not tell a soul about it. Or else you’ll be lying in bed, covered in sweat, with the sweet feel of a woman caressing you like a flesh blanket when you hear the words, “So, I’m a little bothered by some of the things you write…”

I’m only gonna type this once: guys, buy Tag After Hours Body Spray. I’ve been smelled, sniffed and inhaled so much in the last week, I think I know what a dog’s ass feels like. This is not a joke, guys. I’m here to help.

The best time to start dating a woman is during the football playoffs. If she still wants to hang out with you after you brushed her off four out of the last five weekends, well you know you’ve found a patient and understanding chick.

I used to think that nothing was more awkward than meeting the ex-boyfriend of a girl I’m dating, until I met the guy who put together her bed and he asked me, “So does, it squeak? It may need oil and a couple of those screws may need to be hand tightened.” That is pretty fucking awkward. I mean, if the guy did a good job on the bed (as is the case here), then all you can really do is thank him, which sounds like, “No. It’s fine. You did a great job. Nice and tight.” I mean, what the hell, right?

Many people will tell you that taking a date to a wedding is wrong. And maybe that’s true if they’re talking about taking your girlfriend on a date to a wedding. But there is no better first date to take a woman to than a wedding (especially if she doesn’t know anyone there), for several reasons. Here they are:

1. It’s an excuse for her to dress up.
2. It’s an excuse for her to think about sex.
3. People who haven’t seen you in a while are always so happy to see you at a wedding that the chick can’t help but think, “Damn, he must be a great guy. Look how pleased everyone is to talk to him.”
4. Weddings are either cheap or free. You can’t go wrong.
5. Open bar.

There is nothing worse than a man who gets whipped. Now, everyone knows the obvious signs of whipped guy (he won’t go anywhere without her, he calls her before he makes plans, he answers the phone and talks to her during the middle of a live sporting event, he asks her what he’s doing the night you call and ask him, etc, etc, so on and then some), but the fact is, there are leading indicators that will tell you if a guy will become whipped. Here they are.

1. He invites you over to watch the game. With her.
2. He asks you why you don’t settle down and find a nice girl.
3. He goes shopping with her.
4. He takes her to and/or picks her up from the airport.
5. He casually mentions a new phone, haircut, article of clothing and/or piece of furniture all in the same twenty minutes.
6. He says the words, “No more beer, thanks. I’m meeting the girlfriend in an hour.”

Keep a look out for these signs, gentleman. And do what you must.

And finally, because this is one of those entries where I avoid logic and fluidity like I avoid the florist, I leave you with the following, which my friend Amy said to me:

“It really pisses me off that I want to learn how to cook for you.”