Can you smell that? It's week one of the NFL football season and it's coming our way. And so, in keeping with one of the few traditions here on TNW (that's right, I'm abbreviating the name of my blog because I'm that cool), I am once again picking the games against the spread. In two years of doing this, I have never, not once, finished with a .500 record. Let's see if I can keep the streak alive.

The coffee pot is on, the internet is working, ESPN News is blaring in the background and my supply of HGH finally arrived in the mail.

Let's do this thing.

As always, HOME TEAMS in CAPS.

KC Chiefs (-1) over HOUSTON TEXANS
It's week one, which means there are a lot of unknowns. Now, some of these unknowns are known unknowns. For example, we know that both these teams suck, but it is unknown just how much they suck. And some of these unknowns are unknown unknowns, which is to say that we just don't know anything about what is unknown. Those are the unknowns I'm most comfortable with. It's much more difficult to grasp the concept of a known unknown than it is to grasp the concept of an unknown unknown because if you don't know what you don't know, you don't know, you know?

Anyway, I'm waiting for the Chiefs to show me that they suck as much as everyone outside of KC thinks they will. And I'm waiting for the Texans to show me that they're any good at all.

Broncos (-31/2) over BILLS
I wonder what it's like living in a football only town like Buffalo. I imagine that it could be a smidge boring up there (I lost my imagination in college).

Steelers (-4) over BROWNS
I hate the four point spread. Furthermore, I hate the idea of the Steelers without Bill Cowher. I mean, I have no idea how the ole Steeltown is gonna do this year. Of course, I also have no idea what it is my doctor prescribes me. I don't want to go into the details of what I do and do not take. All I can tell you is, I trust the dude. He's a doctor.

Oh, and time to see if I still got it: Ben Roethlisberger (damn, spelled it right on the first try). I'm ready.

JAGUARS (-6) over Titans
Another football only town with old Jacksonville, which I have been to once during football season. If you have a reason to visit this town, either a) you're visiting a friend/relative or? all right, there is no b.

RAMS (PK) over Panthers
This pick is for you, Dad. (In case you don't get it, Dad's a Rams fan.)

Eagles (-3) over PACKERS
Lambeau Field. The frozen tundra. The washed up quarterback. Coming back for another inevitably interception-filled season. Coming back to show the world that if you play for a team that respects tradition, they will keep you around for a long time even if your one true ability, your one true talent, left you three years ago and flew to Tahiti to have sex with brown women.

Falcons (+3) over VIKINGS
This line opened as a pick 'em and is now at 3, which means that a whole bunch of people are betting on the Falcons to fail this week, and since bookies make the bulk of their money because of mass thought, it's always a smart idea to at least experiment with the idea of going the other way. People, especially in large groups, are stupid.

Dolphins (+3) over REDSKINS
Wow, here's a real clash of the suck. Good luck even watching this one.

And while we're here, I would just like to point out that it is high time that the great state of Florida was mentioned in a performance enhancing drug scandal (see: Ankiel, Rick). I hate it when California out weirds us. So take that, Cali. The Sunshine State is still just as twisted and messed up as you are. In your tan, probably partially Hispanic and/or Asian face, California!

Patriots (-61/2) over JETS
Tom Brady has some new toys to play with. And he has a very funny off-season to work to forget. Oh, and this seems like a great time to mention one of the funniest pieces I've read all last month, from Big Daddy Drew over at KSK. Feel free to click on this link. But read the rest of my piece first.

Come on, we've got history.

SEAHAWKS (-61/2) OVER Bucs
I hate starting the year picking against my team, but I mean, well? have you seen my team?

Bears (+6) over CHARGERS
If the Bears can't cover while being on the receiving end of six points from the Chargers and the Saints couldn't cover while receiving six from the Colts, well, I just hope the commissioner will let the NFC use some sort of All Star team to play the Patriots or Colts or Chargers in the Super Bowl this year.

Lions (+21/2) over RAIDERS
The winner of this game receives a complimentary toaster and a year's supply of Who Gives a Fuck! Who Gives a Fuck! Because no one cares.

Giants (+6) over COWBOYS
Now, we're getting interesting. This spread opened at 4, which means that Vegas had no idea, and then it rose to six, which means that action laid heavy on the Cowboys, which is why I'm picking the Giants.

Also, and I know this sounds strange, but I think that Eli Manning would like to put up a couple of hundred points in this game, effectively feeding Tiki Barber a shit burger the size of Coney Island. Yes, I think young Eli would like that very much.

BENGALS (-21/2) over Ravens
Until they give me a reason to do otherwise, I always back the thugs.

49ERS (-3) over Cardinals
Ah, football traditions. Tailgating, barbecue, beer, crisp fall air, gambling and picking against the Cardinals.

Can you smell it? That's week one, baby. And it's coming our way tomorrow.

Before we wrap up week one, you should know that I'm kicking a little bonus feature this year. That's right, I am ending each and every Pick ‘Em Post with the spread of my soon to be undefeated alma mater, the University of South Florida, as it prepares to shock the Big East as if it were a half-starved dog in Bad Newz Kennelz (don't forget the Zs, fellaz).

South Florida (+6) over AUBURN
I say USF wins by ten. And I am completely unbiased, bipartisan, under the weather, over the top and on the up and up.

And before you even comment, I have no clue where the hell Stoner Chick is today.

Last week: 1-0
Overall record: 1-0


Community: It's PIC's 20th anniversary online! Read a random article since 2000.
Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.