So you're compulsively checking your MySpace page (Don't lie. Based on probability alone, you have a MySpace) and you take some time out to read the bulletins that your friends have posted over the last couple days. These bulletins come in three forms: stupid ass chain letters, some self-absorbed ho's incessant demands to comment on her pictures so she can be re-assured the oxygen she consumes on a daily basis is going to good use, and, last of all, surveys. Oh, the surveys. “What's this? The same 20 to 100 facts about your mundane life that you've continually posted on here since you signed up? I'm absolutely spellbound.” I'd rather sit on the beach and wait for North America to slam into Europe than read even one MySpace survey. Well, folks, that's all about to change.

Every so often, I'm going to actually fill out a MySpace survey and post it within the confines of this blog. The difference is that I'm going to go out of my way to make them as completely ridiculous (and hopefully, hilarious) as possible. Enjoy.

Today's Survey: ABC's all F'd up

A – Available?: Yes, for bar mitzvahs and birthday parties
A – Age: This many. ::Holds up 2 hands, 2 feet, and 2 testicles::
A – Annoyance: the voices, not the ones in my head, the ones that come out of other people’s vapid mouths

B – Best Friends? are people who trust you so much that they set themselves up perfectly to be fleeced for everything they’re worth.
B – Bar: Bar (No seriously, that’s the name of it.)
B – Birthday? 4/20 (No seriously, that’s my birthday.) (Seriously.)

C – Crush: is not as good as Sunkist
C – Car: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! (No seriously, I do. My life is one convenient joke after another.)
C – Cat: tastes best when eaten in front of its former owner.

D – Dead Pet's Name: Pour out a lil’ toilet water for my dead homey. Bruno, I love you, dog!
D – Dad's Name: His name is Greg and maroon corduroys factor significantly into his wardrobe. To put this in perspective, the current year is 2006.
D – Dog: It has to weigh at least 30 pounds to qualify as an actual dog. Otherwise, it is a football, and I will kick it appropriately.

E – Easiest person to talk to: The easiest person I’ve ever talked to is YOUR MOM!! Just kidding. It’s your sister.
E – Eggs: I like eggs as far away from my sperm as possible (This goes for both breakfast and reproduction.)
E – E-mail: [email protected] (Please forward me any and all offers for hot stock tips, penis enlargement, and Nigerian money laundering schemes.)

F – Favorite Colors: Dave Chappelle and LeBron James
F – Food: is perfectly acceptable to eat off the floor.
F – Foreign Slang: Me so horny!

G – Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears (I had worms once. It was bad news.)
G – God: is an acronym that’s short for Guaranteed Overnight Delivery, but we all know there’s really no such thing as Guaranteed Overnight Delivery.
G – Good Time: calling numbers written on bathroom stalls

H – Hair Color: The rug matches the curtains. But I was born in the early 80s, so everything is brown.
H – Height: 6’2” (6’8” in heels)
H – Happy: No, that really is a banana in my pocket.

I – Ice Cream: AAAAAHHHHH!!!
I – Instrument: the HERmonica (an instrument/euphemism-for-clitoris I just made up. It’s not in the Urban Dictionary, so I’m taking credit.)

I – Idol: the Easter Island statues

J – Jewelry: diamond-studded Prince Albert
J – Job: professional engineer and amateur comedy writer (I’m waiting for after the Comedy Writing Olympics to go pro. Or until the first lucrative job offer.)
J – Jokes: What’s the hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents that you’re gay.

L – Longest Car Ride: The 20 hour non-stop trip from Albany, NY to Panama City, FL freshman year for spring break. Either that or the 15 minute car ride coming home from Uno’s when I thought my ass might explode. Relativity is a bitch.
L – Laughing: If you’re not, go read the roller blading joke again. If you’re still not laughing, no one likes a roller blader, fagboy!
L – Last Person You Spoke to on the Phone: Candi, the 400 pound woman with the incredibly sexy voice, and for only $3.99 a minute

M – Milk Flavor: cow tit?
M – Mother's Name: Her name is Nancy and she either digs poor fashion sense or my dad has some very compromising photographs. I’m praying it’s the fashion sense.

M – Movie Last Watched: Where the Boys Aren’t 7

N – Number of Siblings: Two little brothers, and in my opinion, they both like to roller blade.
N – Northern or Southern: Northern, we have the best barbecue

N – Name: Barry McCockiner

O – One Wish? I wish that Game Genie would grant just one of my fuckin’ wishes. Fuck you, Game Genie! ONE WISH IS ALL I ASK!! Prick.
O – One Phobia? I have a combination of agoraphobia and claustrophobia. Basically, I need to be in a 12’ x 20’ room with exactly 5 people or I freak the fuck out.
O – Otter Pop: Is that anything like seal clubbing? If so, COUNT ME IN!!

P – Parents: I’ve never ingested anything from under the sink and haven’t been caught doing anything illegal, so I guess my parents did alright teaching me survival skills and anonymity.
P – Part of your appearance that you like best: my disproportionately large c

P – Part of your personality you like best: my gigantic penis

Q – Quote: “After doing some introspective research, I found that 100% of those surveyed agree with everything I say.” – Dan Opp
Q – Question for the next person: Do these jeans make my balls look big?

Q – Quick or Slow? slow, or else it’ll be over quick

R – Reason to smile: getting my mug shot taken (If I ever get arrested, I’m seriously going to do this, and not even like “family photo smile”. I’m gonna be fuckin’ beaming. And if possible, throwing up a thumbs up while holding the placard. Actually, I might get arrested on purpose, just so I can do this.)
R – Reality TV Show: I don’t need to watch reality TV. I’ve got the Dan Opp Show 24/7, baby. Holla!

R – Right or Left: usually right, but I got five stitches in my palm last year and had to switch to southpaw for a couple weeks

S – Song Last Heard: I’d tell you the truth, but I don’t want anyone to know that I listen to Enya.
S – Season: Oregano
S – Sex/gender: Yes/with girls

T – Time you woke up: Beer o’clock
T – Time Now: Beer o’clock
T – Time for bed: Blackout o’clock

U – Unknown Fact about me: I menstruate Robitussin.

U – Unicorns: “It’s the most glorious rainbow ever.” “Do me on it!” – Ron Burgundy and Veronica Corningstone, while riding unicorns in Pleasuretown
U – U: Uvula is the anatomical name for the thingy in the back of your throat. And all this time, you thought it was called semen.

V – Vegetable you hate: Terri Schiavo (too soon?)
V – Vegetable you love: broccoli (too soon?)
V – View on Politics: the correct one (For instance, in certain cases, I am in favor of 92nd trimester abortions.)

W – Worst Habits: killing prostitutes
W – What do you wanna be when you grow up: Court Sullivan, or a reasonable facsimile thereof
W – Where are you traveling to next? farther down this survey to a place named Hilariousville

X – X-Rays: are best served for medical diagnostics and masturbatory vision
X – X-Rated Porn: taught me almost everything I know.
X – XZIBIT: is surprisingly funny. Definitely funnier than D.L. Hughley. Then again, that’s not very difficult.

Y – Year you were born: 1983
Y – Year it is now: the Sox’
Y – Yellow: is a song that unfortunately vaulted Coldplay to success.

Z – Zoo Animal: Mike Faerber’s facial hair
Z – Zodiac: Aries, Today’s Horoscope: Astrology is a load of horseshit. You can’t really be dumb enough to believe this garbage? Oh you are? Here, let me refer you to my Nigerian business partner. You will find financial prosperity in the near future.
Z – ZZZZZ: Hahaha, sorry about that. My vibrator has a mind of it’s of own.

If you'd like to be my friend on MySpace, you must do one of three things:

1) Be a hot chick.
2) Flatter me by telling me how irresistably hilarious I am, or
3) Request to be my friend. (Although the first two can't hurt.)

In addition to pestering me with bulletins, you'll receive notices of new Balls to the Wall articles, as well as other wacky posts like these. Friend on.